


Divorce Is Such An Ugly Word

by Verseau_87



Category: Glee
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Angst, Cutting, Depression, Divorce, Drinking, Hurt, Klaine, M/M, Mentally unstable Kurt, Struggle, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-18
Updated: 2017-10-18
Packaged: 2019-01-19 01:05:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 22,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12399924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Verseau_87/pseuds/Verseau_87
Summary: This is a Klaine story, after 18 years of marriage, stress, arguments and non communication force them apart, Blaine files for divorce and Kurt falls apart.  His best friend Mercedes and his ex Blaine help to try and put his pieces back together





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story is very dark/angsty
> 
> Warnings for suicidal thoughts and cutting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story, along with many others, is currently being re-written x Thanks to those who loved it the first time

Have you ever had a dream about what your life will be like? Marriage, kids, love? Sometimes dreams for the future start going in the right direction, but sometimes they veer off course or hit a dead end. 

Kurt had a dream of what his future would be like after high school.

His boyfriend was the love of his life. So his future dream included marrying him, living with him, having children with him.

he had his dream job, he had his dream apartment, he had his dream husband, and he even had a daughter. Some would say that his future dream did come true. 

The only thing is, it was in shambles. He didn't have the perfect marriage anymore.

It had started about 3 years ago, when his husband, Blaine, changed jobs. Suddenly they were fighting and arguing all the time, constantly on edge with each other, constantly stressed out. They barely saw each other and when they did, it became less like a marriage and more like war.

None of them knew how things had become like this, and Kurt couldn't remember a day when they didn't argue anymore. And their fights had taken on a vicious turn, flinging insults and jarring statements at each other all the time. Picking apart what made them special, throwing their faults in each other's faces.

They would pick out things they could hurt the other with, sometimes even things that they couldn't help, like Kurt's smile wasn't bright enough, or Blaine's curls were getting too out of control. Snoring, morning breath, the fact that someone may be putting on weight.

Kurt hogging the bathroom, Blaine being late for dinner.

They were sparring matches, not normal arguments. Another bad thing was, the make up sex had stopped. Kurt couldn't remember the last time he or his husband initiated anything in the bedroom, most of the time one or the other would be so pissed off after their fights that they would either sleep in the guest room or on the couch.

They hardly slept in the same bed, let alone the same room anymore.

All they knew, was when they fought now, they fought to hurt each other.

And tonight was just like any other.

Kurt was already home when Blaine walked in. He watched him with a bored expression as he walked into the kitchen. Blaine had paused to look at him, and then the boxes of take out on the table. before sighing and stepping over to grab a few containers and sitting down opposite Kurt.

For a while things were quiet, and civil.

Until Blaine had started whining and moaning about how Kurt had forgotten his favourite dish.

"It's just typical isn't it," He started and Kurt tried not to roll his eyes at the passive aggressive tone in Blaine's voice, "typical Kurt behaviour, not thinking of anyone but himself."

"I was enjoying my dinner in peace and quiet, give it a rest will you." Kurt replied in a soft almost pleading voice, and Blaine glared at him across the table, "I only got 2 egg rolls by accident, but I gave them to Elly, because she likes them ok?"

"Right, because god forbid you remember you have a husband." Blaine said with a roll of his eyes, and Kurt's anger began spiralling in his chest.

"Oh, like you remembered me when you brought that cheesecake home last week, apparently forgetting I was allergic to Kiwi fruit?"

"Well not all of us can have a perfect memory." Blaine shot back.

"But you expect me too? Not all of us can have a perfect husband, apparently." Kurt spit out, and Blaine put his hands up in exasperation.

"Oh, there you go again, I didn't say that, stop putting words in my mouth, Kurt."

"Better than my fist." Kurt said quietly as he shook his head and looked back to the last of his dinner, and Blaine glared over at him.

"Oh a domestic violence joke now?"

"I thought you liked those," Kurt said sarcastically as he stood to dispose of his empty container, and Blaine's angry gaze followed him, "you're always telling me that if we weren't married you would have slapped me by now."

"Yeah, it's a joke."

"So was that."

"Bet you really want to though, huh?" Blaine said as he disposed of his containers and then stood to face Kurt.

"Sometimes I've thought about it." Kurt told him with a hard stare, and Blaine raised an eyebrow.

"I can add abusive to the list then?"

Everything stopped as Kurt paused and thought about what Blaine had said, what?

"What list?" Blaine remained quiet and Kurt's eyes narrowed, "a list of what?" he demanded again in a calm tone, not taking his eyes off of Blaine's, but the longer Blaine ignored him the more angry he became.

Tell me a list of what?" Kurt ranted at him, but Blaine had wandered over to the refrigerator to get a juice, still ignoring Kurt, "Are you constructing a list of things you hate about me? A list of things that somehow make you feel better about yourself, comparing me to someone else?"

Blaine turned to look at him.

"What could the list possibly entail?" Kurt went on and then Blaine's resolve snapped and he exploded.

"Everything! Ok?!"

He stood facing Kurt, his face going red from anger, and Kurt's breath left him at the ire he could see in his husband's eyes, mixed in with sadness, and regret. 

"I hate our life! I hate it!" Blaine went on and Kurt felt the breath leave him momentarily.

He was not prepared for Blaine's admission to punch him in the chest. His breath hitched slightly and something very painful began surrounding his heart, squeezing against it. He would have clutched his chest with the force of the pain, had he not already been so stressed out. His own anger over the situation raised it's head, and he fought back.

"You hate it?" Kurt yelled at him, "For years I have sat around and watched our marriage dissolve into nothing, do you think that was easy to see? To watch something like that happen and not know how to fix it?"

"Then what the fuck are we even doing here, Kurt?!"

Again Blaine's words hit him in the chest and he felt sharp pains all over his ribcage. It made him feel like his legs would give up holding him, and any minute he would crash to the floor. His mind was racing a mile a minute, showing him snippets of their life together, all the times they had been happy. Al the times they had been in love.

His own head was screaming at him to apologize and take everything he said back, make promises and expressions of love, take his husband into his arms and tell him he still loved him.

But his anger, stubbornness and pride were still forefront so he said nothing as he watched Blaine's eyes fall to look at the floor, as he turned to stomp out of the kitchen and all the way to the bedroom, slamming the door for good measure.

Their nighttime routine hadn't changed in the past 18 years of marriage. They still simultaneously used and shared the bathroom. Even when they weren't talking to each other. Blaine had showered and was now brushing his teeth, while Kurt had finished conditioning his hair and was now exfoliating his dry cheeks with one of his many lotions.

As he was rubbing the lotion into his cheeks and forehead, he glanced at Blaine in their shared mirror. Blaine was watching him too, and their gazes locked in the glass, Kurt almost smiling because his husband's eyes had gone a little soft.

Soon enough the moment was over, and Blaine left the bathroom to go to bed, leaving Kurt to finish his nightly skincare regime alone.

The next morning, they barely acknowledged each other as they got ready for another work day. Blaine barely threw him a glance as he shouted a goodbye to their daughter and left. 

Kurt sighed as he sat at the kitchen table, sipping his coffee in silence.

"Morning daddy." Elly greeted as she walked into the kitchen dressed for her day at school.

"Morning baby." He smiled at her as she sat down with her breakfast and juice. 

"So daddy went to work early." She said as she glanced at the clock on the wall, and then turned her eyes to Kurt, who shrugged.

"Yeah, he's going to be really busy today, he wanted to get a head start." He lied and she nodded, even though her eyes narrowed slightly at the guilty look on his face.

He stood and placed his mug in the sink, before turning to smile at her. 

"Speaking of which, if I don't get going, my work day is going to be overloaded," He told her as he bent to kiss her head, "see you later sweetheart."

"Bye daddy, have a good day."

"You too baby!" He shouted as he shut the door.


	2. Chapter 2

The work day was long and hard, and by the time Kurt got home, it was very late. Blaine was still there, at the kitchen table, waiting for him. Kurt spied the stone cold dinner behind him on the kitchen counter and moved to turn the oven on to warm it. Blaine was watching him with an unreadable expression, and Kurt felt a little uncomfortable.

Blaine didn't say a word, he was just watching. 

As Kurt placed his dinner in the now warmed oven, he glanced at Blaine to try and gauge his expression but it was neutral, impossible for him to read.

His eyes however, were very expressive, a little anger, disappointment, and maybe sadness. 

As Kurt turned to get his now slightly warmer dinner from the oven, and sat his butt in his chair, he sighed. He had been on his feet all day and he wanted to relax.

"We need to talk."

And relaxation was obviously forbidden right now.

"Can this wait until after dinner, I don't have the energy to fight right now." Kurt said with exasperation, as he melted his back against the chair, after being on his feet for hours, he just wanted to take a load off.

"I don't want to fight I want to talk." Blaine said quietly, and Kurt raised his head to stare at him, Blaine still wearing a neutral expression that he couldn't read.

"Since when do we just talk to each other anymore?" Kurt said sarcastically, as he started to eat his dinner, and Blaine sighed.

"Exactly why I wanted to talk."

Kurt raised an eyebrow and his husband's tone, and got up to get a glass of water.

"What?" He asked and Blaine rubbed the back of his neck, before sliding the same palm over his face.

"We don't talk, Kurt," he told him as Kurt sat back down, "all we do is fight and argue, and insult each other, it shouldn't be like that."

As Blaine continued to talk, his voice taking on a sad and resentful tone, Kurt's chest grew tighter and tighter. He could feel the same squeeze around his heart again.

"This isn't a marriage anymore, it's a battlefield," Blaine said sadly, wringing his hands together in front of him, "everyday I come home, with my guard up like a shield, wondering what is going to hit me as soon as I walk through the door, and it shouldn't be that way."

Kurt swallowed one last bite of his dinner, but the way his throat seems to be closing, he doubted he would eat anymore of it tonight. He could feel something coming, his stomach was churning slightly, and his heart was beating painfully hard inside his chest.

He looked up at Blaine, into those regret filled eyes and watched as Blaine's eyes filled with unshed tears.

"I'm sorry, but I want a divorce." Blaine said quietly, and as soon as the words left his lips, Kurt jumped up and ran for the bathroom, to empty his stomach.

"Kurt? Please come out so we can talk." Blaine called through the door, as he had done for the past couple of minutes.

Kurt sat on the floor, shaking his head, in silent protest to whatever Blaine wanted, he wouldn't get up and open that door. he didn't want to face whatever was on the other side. He wanted to stay here, in this moment, unchanged.

He was shaking his head as Blaine kept knocking on the door, but remained silent.

"Kurt, please." Blaine pleaded and Kurt felt numb and sick.

How had his life turned into such a mess? 

He placed a hand over his mouth as he felt his chest tighten, and he tried to stifle the first sob, without success. After the first sob, it was relentless, his body wracked and shook with his sobs. His tears falling down his cheeks like a river.

Blaine's knocking had paused, but he could obviously hear what was going on with Kurt, the walls were thin. Footsteps backed away from the door, and quietly padded down the hall, and Kurt sighed a little until they returned, stopping at the door again.

There was a tiny scraping sound, and something being twisted, and then the door was swinging inwards gently, Blaine standing in the doorway, holding the screwdriver.

Oh, the fail safe lock. He remembered now. They had someone install that after Elly locked herself in the bathroom when she was 3 years old, and flooded the apartment. Kurt and Blaine had been so worried that she would do it again, that they had to make some way of opening the door, and they came up with a hole in the frame and a long screwdriver, to twist the lock out of place.

They had painted over the hole in the frame, it hadn't been used for years now.

"Kurt." Blaine said softly as he placed the screwdriver down and stepped into the bathroom, and Kurt kept his eyes down, wanting to look at anything but those sad eyes.

"Don't do this," Blaine said as he moved to kneel in front of him, placing a hand on one of Kurt's shaking knees, "please look at me?"

No, no, anything but those eyes! Kurt's head screamed, but he ignored it and looked up at Blaine's face. Blaine didn't smile at him, and he wasn't frowning but his passive face looked so much sadder and worn out than Kurt had ever seen him.

How hadn't he noticed before? When did he stop caring how upset and tired Blaine looked?

"Kurt, I'm sorry it's come to this, I really am."

Oh god, oh god, stop him, Say something! Tell him you love him, anything!

"We both know that where we are right now, isn't where we thought we would be."

No! Kurt! Open your mouth!

"And I think we've come to a point where we have to say goodbye, it's for the better."

Stop him! Stop him! Promise him things will change, tell him you love him! Don't let him do this Kurt! Hurry! Anything!

"So I think it's best if we go our separate ways." Blaine finished and Kurt remained silent, even though his entire being was screaming at him to move or say something.

Blaine was waiting patiently though, watching him. Knowing Kurt was warring with his own mind right now, and thinking of what to say.

"What erm..." Kurt stumbled over what he was going to say, and what his brain was telling him he needed to say, but he shook his head, and as Blaine squeezed his knee in comfort, he frowned a little, "what made up your mind?"

"What do you mean?" Blaine asked as he watched Kurt's hand remove his own from Kurt's knee, so he decided to kneel with his own hands in his lap.

"When did you start thinking about divorce?"

Blaine raised both eyebrows at the question, and then stared at Kurt incredulously.

"Seriously, how could I not think about it, these last few years?"

Years?

"Don't tell me that you haven't?" Blaine asked and Kurt glared.

"No, never." He replied with a bit of bite, and Blaine paused.

He looked at Kurt, really looked at him, like he was seeing him for the first time in years. Something akin to fondness flickered in his eyes, but it soon faded. 

"Kurt, I want a divorce, I can't do this anymore."

Kurt averted his eyes again and nodded. He bit his lip, trying to keep the anguished sobs at bay, but as he choked on a hitched breath, Blaine's arms wrapped around his shoulders tightly and he let go.

He was sobbing uncontrollably, in the arms of the man he had once called his forever. He cried for his husband soon to be ex, he cried for his failed relationship, he cried for everything that would never be fixed.

His whole world was tumbling. And even though the man who was holding him tightly, was the same one who had just pulled the rug out from under his feet, Kurt knew that there was no greater comfort for him right now, than in Blaine's arms.


	3. Chapter 3

Elly had burst into tears when they told her about the divorce, obviously. She was upset about it, that her parents were separating and she hated it. She had accepted the fact that her parents didn't make this decision lightly. That they were trying to do the right thing for everybody, and she knew about the constant bickering and all the insults they threw at each other. 

She sat nodding as Blaine explained it more to her, wiping at her face as more tears escaped from her bright hazel eyes. Kurt was upset too, anybody could see that, he sat staring into space while they were all sitting around the living room discussing the issue.

Blaine had glanced his way when Elly had asked him if he still loved them, and Kurt's eyes quickly looked away as Blaine cleared his throat.

"Of course, I love you," Blaine told her, as he placed his arms around her, her head snuggling underneath his chin, "that won't ever change. But sweetheart, it takes more than feelings to make a marriage work."

"But I don't understand," Elly said as she wiped at her cheeks, before Kurt handed her a little tissue, "love should be enough right?"

"Sometimes it is, but sometimes situations change," Blaine stumbled to explain, and Kurt watched him, "stress changes people, and sometimes it cuts into relationships, makes them toxic."

She nodded in understanding, and Kurt looked away.

"So you're saying that, by getting a divorce, it will make us a better family?"

"yes, I think it will," Blaine said with a small smile, "the way things are now, the constant fighting, it isn't good. And maybe we can be better parents to you, without stressing each other out."

"Baby," Kurt spoke up, reaching for Elly's hand, holding it tightly as she turned to look at him, "none of this is your fault ok, it's all our decision, I don't want you to feel like it has anything to do with you, because it doesn't. Your father and I , love you so much, that won't ever change."

"No, that will never change." Blaine added as he agreed with Kurt, holding Elly's other hand, "People just grow apart as they get older, it's nobodies fault, we keep fighting and it's not fair to either of us, or you."

She was holding their hands, and sniffing back her tears, looking between them both as they smiled sadly at her. 

"And maybe in time, it will make us happier, all of us." Blaine continued, "and we won't be standing in each other's way to find happiness with somebody else, someone who may be better for us."

Wait what?

Kurt's eyes widened at that last bit of information, squeezing his daughter's hand once more before dropping it. He sat in silence as she turned to him first for a hug, and then Blaine, before standing and sighing out loud.

"I think I'm going to go lay down for a minute." She said to them, and they both nodding mutely as she walked down the hall.

As soon as she was out of their sight, Kurt turned narrowed eyes to Blaine.

"You know, you don't have to tell her everything," Kurt said to him with barely contained contempt, and Blaine looked confused for a moment, "if you want to go gallivanting with someone else, so be it."

"No, that's not what I-"

"Or have you already found someone, is that it?" Kurt said as he glared at Blaine, "if the divorce is just an excuse, to get you away so that you can be with whoever you've found-"

"No, Kurt, I didn't mean it like that," Blaine defended himself, "why does everything have to be a fight with you?"

"Maybe because my husband, who has been my husband for 18 years now, wants to divorce me to see someone else."

"There's no-one else!" 

"Then why bring it up!"

"Because that's what will happen Kurt," Blaine said as he stood from the couch, "we're not happy together anymore, but we may find happiness with other people. We can't be together anymore."

Kurt crossed his arms, and melted back into the couch, as his eyes started prickling again. He didn't want to cry anymore, but he couldn't help it. He felt angry and sad, and his chest hurt. He had no outlet for it anymore. Nobody he could really turn to, no-one he could talk to about what he was feeling.

He felt alone, for the first time since his father died.

His hands came up to his face as he sat there. Blaine was still hovering around the couch, waiting. 

"Where will you go?" He asked quietly, and heard Blaine sigh behind him.

"Bex place."

Kurt nodded. He really liked Rebecca, she was a strong, fierce force that had helped Blaine through college. She became a staple friend in Blaine's life. he was glad that his husband had someone to go to.

"Right."

"Well the hard part's over." Blaine said as he looked in the direction where their daughter had disappeared to her room, and Kurt scoffed a little, making Blaine look at him strangely.

"No, it's not," Kurt said as he looked up at him, "you have to tell your mom."

"Oh shit," Blaine sighed, placing a hand over his face, "oh yeah, she loves you."

He missed the flinch on Kurt's face, when he spoke of someone loving Kurt, it hurt a lot that it wasn't Blaine anymore.

"She is not going to be happy." Blaine went on, and Kurt remained silent.

Kurt stayed where he was on the couch, staring into space again, as he could feel Blaine's eyes on him. He said nothing else and Blaine hesitated slightly. Kurt's eyes started watering as if all the time he had held them back, he couldn't anymore, and the tears started leaking down his cheeks. 

But he was silent and still, just letting them fall, not even bothering to wipe them away.

Blaine watched him, and when Kurt didn't make a move or say anything he began to get a little worried.

"Kurt?" he asked softly, but as he said his name, Kurt's back went ramrod straight and he sat up, almost looking startled, and he sat on the edge of the couch, not at ease at all.

"I think maybe you should go and pack your things, before it gets too late." he said quickly and Blaine sighed as he walked to their bedroom.

Kurt listened and waited for the bedroom door to close, before his entire face scrunched up and he felt the silent sobs shaking his chest. He clutched a hand over his heart and sank into the couch cushions, willing the hurt to either kill him or disappear.


	4. Chapter 4

The weekends were better than the week days. The house was too still, too quiet on week days, and Kurt felt lonely. His daughter was still here, for now, and for that he was grateful, but she was 15 years old, and she wasn';t here all the time, and she stayed with Blaine sometimes too.

The apartment was too still.

He stood around most days after work, or in the mornings, just staring at nothing, listening and longing. It wasn't home anymore, nothing ever would be. His husband was gone, his life had changed forever.

His chest hurt constantly when he thought of his now ex husband, he hadn't spoken to, or seen Blaine since he left. He got the run down on how he was doing from his daughter, but it was all information that Blaine told her and most of it was bull.

Kurt knew that Blaine was probably sad like he was, after 20 years together it was a big change, but this was the sort of change that couldn't be reversed. Someone had put the stopper in Kurt's life, and now he was stuck. 

He pawed over the front of his shirt, the skin of his chest was itching, right over his heart, and his rib cage felt too tight on him, all the time, like at any moment the sadness and loneliness would swallow him whole and his lungs would fail.

He glanced over to the dinner plates on the kitchen table, 2 of them, not 3 anymore. And he felt sick. He couldn't eat. Hadn't been able to without retching, which was why he usually told his daughter he had already eaten before she got home. Food tasted like ash, and his throat wouldn't swallow it, his stomach convulsing every time he tried, so every time he had to run to the bathroom and empty what was already empty.

He wasn't hungry though. But he was extremely tired.

He couldn't sleep, for a week straight he had been awake all night, staring into space like he would during the day. Sitting on the couch because he couldn't face going into that bedroom. He felt like he was losing the grip on his sanity, because after a while of no sleep he started getting used to it, and not being able to eat made him a little crazy.

He had been thinking up a lot of things, like some crazy reasons about getting Blaine back, singing to him, professing his undying devotion. But he laughed himself to tears every time he thought about it, because he knew without a doubt that he would be rejected. And Kurt couldn't handle rejection.

He was overly cheerful and bright when his daughter was around, he didn't want her to know there was a hint of sadness in him, he wanted to protect her, not put anything to heavy on her shoulders or make her feel like having her here wasn't enough. Because she was enough, he loved her so much.

She was his baby.

The only thing he had left in this whole world to call family.

Sure he had friends that he considered to be close, like Mercedes and Sam, maybe even Brittany, but Kurt knew that the only people he truly felt connected too, had been Blaine and their daughter.

Now it was just Elly, and Kurt didn't want to drive her away.

So he kept it inside, the depressing angry thoughts, the love sick despair, the loneliness, the sadness. Even his eyes had lost the sparkle but his bright smile in the mornings to greet her, masked it a little.

She had no idea, and that the way he wanted it to stay. He felt a little pathetic. People go through divorce and break ups all the time, even death of a spouse and come back up for air. Kurt didn't think he was able to. 

It was like drowning, drowning in sorrow with no air in sight.

He walked slowly around the small kitchen that used to hold so many good memories, now it just reminds him of Blaine's face and his eyes when he told Kurt those 4 disastrous words.

4 words that cut into him, hurt him, almost killed him.

Kurt had thought by Blaine leaving, maybe he would realize that the decision was a good one, they would stop fighting, and be happier. But Kurt wasn't happy.

But who was he kidding, he hadn't been happy for years. This was just a major event that pushed him into despair.

He looked once more at his plate of dinner, and his stomach twisted in disgust, making him place a hand over his mouth to stifle the urge again, and he quickly grabbed the plate from the table and threw his dinner in the trash can before placing the plate in the sink.

Could life really get any worse?

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

"Morning daddy!"

"Morning baby," Kurt greeted back just as cheerfully, smiling widely at Elly as she sat at the table, "pancakes for breakfast?"

"Oh yes please." 

She gave him a happy smile which he returned before turning to start the stove, and mixing up some batter. Trying not to choke as his stomach twisted at the smell of the cooking food.

"So what's on your agenda for the day baby?" He asked, willing his stomach to settle, picking up conversation with her for a distraction.

"Oh, well, I have that Volley ball game in the gym today after lunch," she explained and Kurt hummed along, "and then I was going to go and see daddy."

He remained quiet for a second or too, pushing down the sadness at the mention of Blaine and turned to grin at her.

"Oh, ok."

When he turned back to making her pancakes, he heard a little sigh from her, and waited for something else.

"Who do I live with?" Came her quiet question and it startled Kurt a little.

"What?" He said as he turned to face her, and she gave him a small smile.

"When daddy gets his own place and moves out of Rebecca's, who do I live with?" She asked again, and Kurt felt the fear hit him, making his chest hurt again.

He swallowed down the lump in his throat and shook his head a little, plating up her breakfast before turning and giving her a little sad smile.

"Well...that is totally up to you, sweetheart."

"Oh."

"I'm not going to force you to stay with me, if you want to go and live with daddy." Kurt told her, even though his head was screaming at him to tell her she had to stay, otherwise the loneliness would kill him.

"Hmm...I think I'll stay here for now."

He felt a breath of relief leave his lips, and he turned a bright smile at her again. 

"Ok, that's fine too, daddy won't make you leave if you don't want to," He said as he placed her breakfast in front of her, and she gave a one shoulder shrug as he sat opposite her, "and I don't want you to feel like you have to pick one of us."

"What do you mean?" She asked curiously, and Kurt cleared his throat, which had unconsciously been closing up since having this conversation.

"You'll always have a place here, baby, always," he said to her as he tried to hold back the prickling behind his eyes, not wanting her to see how scared and worried he was of her choosing her father over him, and he took her hand, "but I'm sure that your father will make a room for you there too, and you can come and go when you want, to both of us."

"Like stay with daddy one week, and you the next?"

Sadness washed over him at her happy tone, when she realized she could come and go as she pleased. He didn't want her too, he wanted her here with him, always. But he wouldn't tell her that, he couldn't in good conscious, take her away from her father.

"If that's what you want." He said quietly and she nodded as she thought about it for a little while.

She began eating her pancakes with a thoughtful look, and Kurt felt his chest tighten again in pain. His stomach churned again with the amount of worry he was feeling, but he couldn't get up and go to the bathroom right now, not with her here. It would have to be pushed down. He could feel the saliva building up in his mouth, but forced himself to relax and breathe.

"I'll think about it." She said suddenly and Kurt startled again at her small timid voice, and he nodded.

"Ok."


	5. Chapter 5

He had a coffee lunch with Mercedes, his best friend, a few days later, and he made sure that he looked as well as he could, given the situation, but Mercedes always had an eye for spotting trouble. And that is just what she did, as they sat down at the table in their local coffee shop, she placed her hand over Kurt's and gave him a pointed look.

"Ok, what's going on boo, you look like somebody ran over your dog?" Mercedes said and he looked away from her eyes, fighting the tears as she squeezed his hand, "You look terrible."

"Gee, thanks." He tried to lighten the mood a little but she wasn't buying it, and she gave him a sympathetic look.

"I mean it, you look like you haven't slept in weeks, and I can see that you've lost weight," She pointed out and Kurt, shook his head as his eyes filled with tears, "what's going on Kurt?"

"Blaine moved out last week." He said quietly, and she gasped.

"What?"

"We're getting a divorce."

"Oh, boo, I'm so sorry." She said as she grabbed both of his hands, and he blinked a couple of tears away, and gave her a tight smile.

"Yeah, a lot of people have said that." He said and she hummed.

"Are you ok?" She asked and he felt the lump building again, and shook his head slightly, "Why?"

"He wasn't happy, well, we're not happy." Kurt explained and his breath got stuck in his throat a little, and he forced the sadness down into the pit of his stomach, while he released one of his hands from her grip and sipped at his coffee.

"Oh sweetie."

"'Cedes, I don't know what to do," He admitted, and the horrible pain in his chest was back full force, almost making him lose his breath, and he placed his free hand over his shirt, while she watched him, patiently, "some days I want to scream and cry and throw things around in anger, and some days I want to sit and let the world pass me by, and pretend it isn't happening. Sit on the couch and numb myself to it, by eating all the ice-cream in the apartment. I feel totally lost."

She nodded as he explained, and he could see that she was trying to think of some way to comfort him.

"I don't think there is a handbook for how to deal with this, everyone handles it differently." she said eventually and Kurt's chest hurt, and his stomach churned and he felt like he was fighting a losing battle with the tears, and slowly but surely they dripped down his cheeks.

"I just- I..."

He couldn't help the sob that escaped him, and Mercedes quickly got out of her chair, and then took it to sit beside him, throwing her arms around him, and pulling his head into her chest. 

"Oh, honey don't cry." She soothed as she rubbed his back and his hair lightly, and he sniffed and sobbed into her jacket, letting her hold him together just a little bit.

His sobs quieted after a minute and he looked up at her, seeing the sadness of his own eyes reflected in hers.

"Even though the decision was made for the best, I don't think I'll ever get over it, you know?" He said and she nodded in understanding.

"Yeah, you were together a long time."

"...it's hard without him, even when we would bicker and argue constantly, he was always there." He said sadly, and she squeezed him one more time, before moving back into her own seat, but still holding onto his hand.

"I know."

"It's a lot of change, and I'm not ready for it." he said as she handed him a tissue, and he wiped at his eyes, desperate for the tears to stop now.

"Have you spoken to Blaine since he moved out?" She asked and he shook his head.

"No, Elly has."

"Does she tell you how he's doing?"

"Not really, I don't want to ask."

"Maybe it'll do you good, to speak to him about how you're feeling, how it's affecting you." She prompted gently and he felt the overwhelming despair creep back into his chest, feeling more tears threatening to fall, and he slowly shook his head in response.

"I'm not sure that's a good idea," He sighed sadly, and looked back up at her, a few more tears escaping his sore eyes, sliding down his cheeks, "I don't think I'll be able to talk to him without breaking down and crying."

"Oh, boo." 

She held him again as another sob broke free, he didn't know when this awful feeling was going to stop. He just wished sometimes that his heart would just give up and break, instead of slowly drawing out this pain.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

They had a meeting with their lawyers to discuss the divorce, and the settlements of their case, that following week. And also to sign the papers, and Kurt was silently dreading it.

Mercedes had offered to go with him, but he couldn't bring her into it, he knew he had to face it alone. Face him alone.

Trying to hold himself together, in a room with hardly any light, sitting across from Blaine, and two lawyers present, was hard. Very hard.

"Ok, so let's get this started," Blaine's lawyer said as she glanced down at the paper work in front of her, "so you have a daughter is that right?"

"Yes, she's 15." Blaine said, and she nodded.

"Right, and Blaine you're her biological father correct?" She asked and Kurt felt as if he couldn't breathe.

Please, please, don't take my daughter away, his head screamed.

Blaine glanced over at Kurt before nodding at the lawyer. And she wrote something down on the forms in front of her.

"There's no stipulation in here of rights or anything, did you want to go over that?" she asked and Kurt forced his eyes to look at Blaine, secretly pleading that he didn't.

Blaine shook his head.

"No, we're both her fathers, we both have a right to see her."

Kurt's breath relaxed a little, and as Blaine sent him a small smile, he frowned and looked away.

"Kurt, was there anything you want to add?" His lawyer said next to him, and he shook his head.

"Ok, so the rights to your daughter stays between you, her parents, great," Blaine's lawyer said as she wrote something else down, "what about the apartment, it's both of yours yes?"

"Yes, but I moved out, Kurt can keep it."

"Ok, so you'll need to sign over your right to the deeds of the place."

"Ok."

"and everything in the apartment?" Kurt's lawyer added, and Kurt remained silent.

Blaine glance over at them both and shrugged his shoulders.

"I could sort through that with Kurt afterwards."

"Of course." Kurt's lawyer said with a smile and wrote down on his papers.

"Now, money," Blaine's lawyer said as she looked at Kurt and then at Blaine, "you have a joint account?"

"Yes, everything we saved was in a joint account." Kurt spoke up for the first time, his voice cracking slightly as he tried to quell the feeling of despair, making his eyes burn.

"But you both have your own accounts?"

"Yes." Blaine answered and she nodded.

"So should we divide the joint money equally?"

"No," Blaine told them and they both looked at him, "it was mostly for our daughter, I don't want to take it."

"Ok." 

"Do any of you need support payments?" She asked and they both shook their heads.

"No, we both work." Kurt told her and she smiled slightly at him.

"Does one of you earn more?"

"Kurt does." Blaine said, but he also added it was only a few dollars more.

"Will your daughter be staying with one of you permanently?" Kurt's lawyer jumped in and they glanced at each other before Kurt spoke up.

"No, I don't think so," he said, as he avoided Blaine's gaze, "we'll both have her stay equally I believe."

"Ok," He said as he wrote it down, and then looked to Blaine, "do you have a place of your own yet?"

"No, I'm still looking."

"Ok, then child support applies until she can stay with you equally." Blaine's lawyer finished off, and Blaine nodded.

"That's fine, I have no problem with that."

"Great."

"Now, cars, you both have one?"

"Yes we do."

"No joint car insurances?" 

"Oh, yes we do have those." Blaine said and both of their lawyers wrote down some details on both the paperwork.

"So, you need to call them and switch to single drivers."

Both of them nodded and then the lawyers were busy writing. Blaine tried to catch Kurt's gaze and give him a small smile but Kurt frowned and looked away.

"Ok, then that is basically all we need for now," Blaine's lawyer said, as she looked over everything she had written one more time before swapping the paper with Kurt's lawyer and then they looked at their respective clients, "all we need is signatures, to agree to the terms."

Blaine and Kurt both signed the agreements pages, and then Blaine's lawyer folded her hands on the desk in front of her.

"Now, I must ask, if this is the route you would like to go down," she said as she looked between Kurt and Blaine, "divorce could be a last resort, there is always marriage counselling to try and work through your differences?"

Kurt held his breath and looked Blaine in the eye, watching as Blaine thought it over before shaking his head sadly.

"No, I think this is the best choice."

Kurt was shattered. He thought for sure that Blaine would have tried to make it work for them, counselling to try and reconcile, or mend their broken relationship. But he avoided Kurt's eyes now as his lawyer smiled sadly at both of them and nodded her head.

"Ok, then we need signatures on the divorce files, and we'll get a court date."

Kurt held his breath as he signed, fighting the tears back as best he could. When it was over, he shook both of the lawyers' hands and then fled the room in a hurry, not even stopping to talk to Blaine, who called out for him.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is where it starts getting into the angst

Kurt was failing. he knew he was.

Everyday was a battle, even to just get out of bed. Over the last month, when their divorce was finalized, he felt adrift. Floating almost, his body didn't feel like his own. He couldn't eat, he couldn't sleep, and even when he did sleep his dreams were either full of memories that had him waking and sobbing, or nightmares about Blaine and his daughter both walking out of his life, which had him waking up in cold sweats and sometimes screaming and reaching for them.

All in all, he knew he wasn't doing too well.

he tried and tried to pick himself up again, Mercedes was a stable friend, who he gained most of his comfort from, and he loved that she was there for him whenever he needed her. Even for just a cuddle or someone to sleep next to.

He knew that his daughter had figured out that he wasn't doing too well, though he tried to put on a brave face for her. She constantly asked him if he was ok, which he only responded with I'm fine and gave her a smile. She returned the smile but it didn't reach her eyes and she knew that the smile was masking a lot of pain.

Work had fell down hill too. He was constantly exhausted and felt ill, his designs weren't all that great anymore, so his boss had given him sick leave, which she forced him to take.

So now he was alone most of the day at home, doing nothing, and it felt even worse than before.

The next thing in his life, was whiskey. 

He found it helped numb his stomach and his mind. It gave him a little bit of a high, that he really appreciated. 

He knew it wasn't good, but anything bad at this point felt good. it wasn't good, the whiskey, it made him feel even worse afterwards, but while he sat day after day, drinking himself into a drunken stupor, he found that his heart and his mind didn't care or think too much, and he could relax and not feel for a while.

Mercedes had told him that what he was doing was going to hurt him even more, and he knew that, he knew deep down that drinking alcohol never solved anything. And that his daughter had seen him a lot of times out of his face, but he couldn't seem to stop.

It made him numb, and he would rather that, than feel pain.

Blaine had been trying to contact him a lot over the past week, but he ignored it, he didn't want or need a lecture from him. And he didn't want to talk to him about anything. He would rather just forget.

The whiskey brought out the tears too, but they were empty, and he didn't feel like he was breaking with those ones. His heart wasn't in it anymore.

"Daddy, I'm going to go and stay at Dad's for a few nights," Elly had said to him one afternoon after school, when he had greeted her with a forced smile, "he asked if I wanted to stay the weekend with him, in the new place."

Kurt could only nod in understanding. 

Blaine had found a new refurbished apartment, near to where Bex lived, and Kurt knew that Elly was excited to spend more time with him. 

"Are you going to be ok if I go?" She asked him and Kurt grabbed her arms and pulled her into a hug, holding back the tears from staring at her timid and worried face.

"I'll be fine, baby, your dad has really missed you, so you go be with him." He said into her hair, and squeezed her tightly before releasing her.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I might invite Aunt Mercedes to spend the evening with me tonight, watch a movie and pig out on ice-cream."

"You've been eating a lot of ice-cream." She sort of giggled, but the underlying worry was still present in her tone.

He smiled tightly, but brightly as he could at her, before leaning and pressing a kiss on her forehead.

"You better get your things ready, is he picking you up?"

"No, I'll walk it's not far."

"You know where it is?"

"Yes, one of my friends lives on the same street, and daddy said he will be standing outside the building waiting for me." She told him and he nodded in understanding, before she bounced to her room to gather her things.

He eyed the empty bottle of whiskey that was standing in the sink, and then he gulped loudly. He needed to go out and grab some more when she was gone. 

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

He didn't know how he got here, but here he was. Bottle of whiskey in one hand, bottle of strong sleeping tablets in the other. The wind was strong up here, and it whipped around him, pushing him as he swayed where he stood. 

He wondered how long it would take. The pills and the whiskey would help him feel numb enough to step one last time. But how long would it take?

Gravity was a strong force, so probably not long. 

He stood, perched on the edge of the top of his apartment building. His daughter had been at her father's for 48 hours, and Kurt doubted he would see her tomorrow. But maybe it would make it easier. He knew it was inevitable, he was tired and worn out. He couldn't keep going on forever.

He took a swig from the bottle of whiskey again, that was already over half gone, and sighed as he looked down into the night time hustle and bustle below.

He was a little scared that it would hurt, but that didn't stop him from feeling like it was his only option. The only thing he had any control over.

He choked on a sob, and a couple of tears fell down the corner of his eyes, along his cheeks and dropped off the bottom of his jaw, falling t the street below. He imagined falling, and feeling accomplished and free.

"Come on Kurt, it's easy," he told himself, as he swayed a little, taking the other bottle of pills in hand and bringing them to his lips, "just step off."

As he tipped the bottle to drop a few pills into his mouth, there was a noise to the right of him. He paused and swayed as he looked down.

A tiny fluffy black and white face with big green eyes, was staring at him.

"Reow."

He blinked at the cat a few times, and then laughter bubbled up. He shook with laughter, and chuckled loudly as he looked down at the tiny face staring up at him.

he wobbled, and then the fear hit him

What am I doing?

He shakily stepped back from the edge and sat down against the wall, breathing heavily now, his heart racing. He looked down at his hands, gripping the plastic pill bottle and the glass whiskey bottle, and frowned as he threw them across the roof.

He placed his head in his hands, and caught his breath before crying loudly. The sobs ripped out of his throat, making him feel as though maybe his throat will start bleeding or he might lose his voice. He felt a tiny warm body rub against his leg, and he looked down at the small cat with teary eyes.

"Hey little buddy." he said, and the cat was so bold and unafraid, he jumped into his lap and sat looking at his face, purring.

Kurt brought a hand to the little creatures head, and petted him lightly, spying a collar around it's neck and moving it around to the name tag. Wondering where the little animal had come from.

He gasped as he read the name on the tag, before looking into the cat's kind green eyes.

"Burtie? Is that your name?"

The cat meowed at him loudly and Kurt smiled, softly petting him while he sat there, letting the fact of what he nearly did, sink in.

He began to feel shaky and scared, but as he sat and looked at the cat, he started to feel a little bit better. He eventually smiled and petted the cat's head again.

"Thank you, my little friend." He said and then grabbed the little cat's face in his hands, giving it a light kiss on it's furry head.

The cat meowed once more before hopping off of his lap, and Kurt watched with a thoughtful expression as the cat disappeared from his sight.

He sighed as he got up, shakily walking back to the access door, and down the steps. Forgetting the whiskey and the bottle of pills. When he got to his apartment, he swiftly found his phone and dialled a familiar number.

"Mercedes," he started with a shaky breath, as more tears ran down his cheeks, "I need help."


	7. Chapter 7

The following few weeks were very hectic, and Kurt felt like he had whiplash from being dragged to so many places and appointments. Mercedes had flown off the handle when he told her about what he almost done, and about the cat. She had arrived at his apartment in the dead of night, Blaine behind her, both of them glaring at Kurt, but he could also see the worry in their eyes and sympathy that he didn't need or want.

He let them in, but avoided their gazes as they asked him all kinds of questions.

He snapped a couple of times, but only when Blaine asked repeatedly if he had taken anything.

"We're just so worried about you boo." Mercedes said from one side of the couch, where Kurt was sitting a little slumped over.

"Kurt, you can't keep things like this bottled up." Blaine said and Kurt felt his anger jump a little, but Mercedes soothing hands on his back made him a little calmer.

"Yeah, baby it's not good to stay all internal." She added, and Blaine agreed with her.

"It makes you like a ticking time bomb."

"And we don't want that explosion honey, not for you, we want to help." 

Kurt leaned into her touch as her hand ran up and into his hair, soothing out the tension.

"Yeah, and we'll both help anyway we can," Blaine said as he placed a hand on Kurt's knee, trying to be comfort for him, but failing, "remember we both know what you're like, I was married to you."

"Yeah, was!" Kurt turned furious eyes to him.

Blaine winced at Kurt's angry and hurt tone.

"Kurt, we just want to help you." Blaine tried again, a little softer, but Kurt had had enough, he could barely function with Blaine here, why did Mercedes think it was a good idea?

"Why did you bring him here?! I don't want or need his help!" He shouted at her with a glare, and she looked stricken for a moment.

Blaine quickly jumped to her defense and wrapped a hand around Kurt's wrist.

"It's not Mercedes' fault Kurt, she was worried about you," He said, and Kurt had the urge to knock his hand away and storm off, but Blaine's grip was loose, so he stayed, "she called me in a panic, and I'm here to support both of you."

"Well I don't want you here!"

"Tough, because I want to help you!" Blaine yelled back at him, and as Mercedes moved to intervene, Blaine let out a calming breath and stood in front of Kurt, taking both his hands in his own, "Kurt, you were my husband, my first love, we have a daughter, just because we're not together, doesn't mean I don't love you, and I want to help."

Kurt looked down ashamed, and Mercedes smiled up at him as he caught her eye. Blaine squeezed his hands.

"We used to talk about everything, so talk to us now...please." He said and Kurt lifted his gaze to look at him, seeing a small sad expression and then looked away again.

"I don't know how to anymore."

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

It was that softly spoken sentence that really broke Blaine's heart. 

Kurt didn't know how to talk to him anymore. How did things get so messed up?

When Mercedes had called him in a panic over what Kurt almost did, Blaine had lost all the colour in his face and had never got dressed so fast in his life. He had raced to Mercedes home to pick her up before gunning the car through the streets to Kurt. 

He was ragged and tired, and unkempt, when he let them through the door, something Blaine had never before seen on his ex husband. Something he thought Kurt would rather die than let anyone see.

His hair hung limp, and messy. He had grey sweatpants on. Kurt Hummel did not wear sweatpants, at all.

His eyes were red and puffy, from crying, and Blaine could tell by the way he stood that he had been drinking. And Kurt hated alcohol of all kinds. This wasn't Kurt anymore, this was some kind of shadow of him. 

Blaine felt his chest hurt, rubbing a hand over the front of his shirt as he made his way to the couch, where Kurt had slumped himself onto it. 

They began to tell Kurt that he should go to them for help, when Kurt snapped.

"Yeah was!"

Ok, maybe Blaine wasn't immune to the hurt Kurt could still throw at him. 

His anger went up a little, remembering all of the fights they had, but he remained calm. But when Kurt turned on Mercedes, who sat there in slight hurt and shock, Blaine stood and let a little anger seep into his tone.

It shocked Kurt into listening to him, and he managed to talk to him without ripping his head off, but the way Kurt carried himself. So timid now, so shy.

Avoiding everyone's eyes. This Kurt right now, right here, was a broken man.

As soon as Blaine had pulled Kurt to sit back down between him and Mercedes, Kurt's eyes screwed shut and he sobbed for about a minute before falling asleep. Blaine and Mercedes shared a look between them, and then Blaine made a move to pick Kurt up to put him to bed.

"Oh don't," Mercedes stopped him and he looked at her with confusion, arms already around Kurt's legs, and about to lift him, "he doesn't sleep in there."

"What?"

"He can't sleep in the bedroom, he sleeps on the couch."

"Since when?"

"Since you moved out." Mercedes told him with a sad frown and her eyes drifted over to Kurt's scrunched up sleeping face, knowing he wasn't resting well, "you see, he hasn't stepped in there at all, since you left, I helped him move some of his clothes into Elly's room, he goes in there to change too."

Blaine furrowed his eyebrows and shot a look down at Kurt, who had settled somewhat back into the couch cushions.

"He doesn't go in there." Mercedes added quietly, "he has nightmares in there."

"He needs more help than we can give." Blaine said after Mercedes had finished explaining.

"I thought it was just a phase, something he needed to do to get over things, to move on," she said as she wiped a tear from her own cheek, "I didn't know he was hurting as bad as this."

"Me neither."

"He hides a lot of it, and he's good at hiding." She said with a frown and Blaine nodded.

"Yeah, he is."

"Blaine."

He looked over at Mercedes and she gave him a pointed look.

"That man there," she said while pointing at Kurt, and Blaine glanced at him before returning his gaze to her eyes, "he loves you. This isn't easy, and getting him better won't be easy either, but I'm willing to try anything to help him get there. And you, you are going to help too."

Blaine started nodding but she continued, putting a little fierce tone in her voice.

"No, no, listen to me," She said a little fiery and Blaine paid attention with raised eyebrows, "I don't care what you're doing, or when you're doing it, if Kurt needs help, we are both going to be there, right?"

"Of course."

"Promise me?" Mercedes voice cracked a little and Blaine smiled sadly at her, before walking and folding his arms around her.

"Mercedes, I promise, we'll get Kurt the help he needs," he said to her, squeezing her close, "whatever it takes, we'll get him better."


	8. Chapter 8

His therapist, Doctor Hart, seemed like a nice lady, younger than him sure, but she had kind non-judgemental eyes, and a soft face. Her posture was welcoming, the way she sat and engaged her clients, felt like she was so interested in learning everything about them. Kurt felt at ease around her, instantly, unlike some other people in his life right now.

So when she asked him, what he had come for help for today, the floodgates opened again, and he ended up spilling her his whole life story, in half an hour, and she did nothing but write it all down.

She was still writing bits and pieces in her little note book, about 10 minutes after Kurt had finished, giving him time to pull himself together and then they sat in comfortable silence until her scribbling stopped.

"From what I understand, your father was a big influence in your personality." She said when she glanced up at him and he nodded.

"Yes, he was."

"You lost him?" She asked curiously, but kindly and he swallowed the lump in his throat.

"Yes, 5 years ago."

She wrote another few notes in her little book, and then glanced back up to Kurt with a questioning stare.

"Had you seen a therapist at all for that?" She asked him and he shook his head.

"No."

"Why?"

"I don't know." Kurt felt like he was on a rollercoaster of emotions, but she was asking the questions so softly, and he had no choice but to answer them.

"Did you feel like you handled his death well, as well as you could?"

"Probably not." He said with a shrug, some tears escaping their shimmering blue prison again, and she handed him more tissues.

"Your ex husband was a major part of your life wasn't he?"

"Yes, a very big part." He said as he sniffed back the sob, and wiped at his eyes, watching her writing again.

"You leaned on him after your father's passing?" She asked when she looked back up at him, a kind smile on her face and Kurt sighed.

"Yes, I did."

"And how did he help you?"

"He let me talk, let me cry, held my hand through all of the OCD things I had." Through his explanation she didn't say anything, but Kurt could tell by the way one of her eyebrows raised that she was holding in what she wanted to say.

After she wrote down another part in her book, she placed the book down and then sat a little closer to Kurt.

"You have stress related OCD?" She asked in a soft voice, and Kurt smiled sadly.

"Yes."

"I see, have you had any therapy for that?" 

"No."

She nodded, and then sighed a little, before turning a small smile to Kurt, who sat back as she spoke.

"You know, all the little things in your life, little things that you don't think of as mentally detrimental, like stress related OCD, something that if you ignore it, you think it'll go away...they don't, they build. They build so high, until you're struggling with the weight on your shoulders."

"You've let things build and build, until the point where your back is breaking, and there is only one outlet. Self destruction."

At Kurt's confused and nearly offended look, she wen on quickly, placing her hands up.

"It's not about hurting yourself, it's more of getting back some control, that you feel you've lost, and a big part of that, is having control over your own body. What you put in it, what you do to it."

Kurt nodded as he tried to understand what she was telling him.

"We'll start from the very beginning, and work our way up to recent events, I want to tackle it all, just tackling one issue, like your divorce, won't solve everything. Do you understand?"

"Yes."

"Ok, so next session, when you come in, take all the time you need, and then we shall talk about your mother, and then your father."

"Ok."

She showed him out, wishing him well until she saw him next, and he felt a little empty. He knew he didn't expect it to be a quick process, but he was hoping to feel some kind of progress but after that first emotional outburst, he felt exhausted anyway.

He hoped the next one wouldn't be like that.

"Hey," Blaine's voice sounded behind him, and Kurt spun to look at him, "how did it go?"

"Where's Mercedes?" Kurt asked looking around the small waiting area, and Blaine smiled gently.

"She called me to take over, she was needed at work." 

"Oh."

"So, how did it go?" He asked again, eyes wide and expression open, waiting patiently.

"Erm...we haven't really started yet, I mean she highlighted problems, that I didn't realize were big problems, but we'll start properly next time." Kurt explained and Blaine nodded.

"Would you like to grab a coffee with me? Or did you want me to take you home?" Blaine asked him and Kurt was just about to retort with some sarcastic remark, until he saw the open and honest expression on his ex husband's face and he paused.

He looked at him for a moment, until it felt awkward and he slowly nodded his head.

Blaine smiled and then lead them out through the exit, Kurt still wondering just why he had agreed to it.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

"So you know how my brain is doing, how have you been?" Kurt asked as he sipped at his coffee.

Blaine had winced a little at Kurt describing his mental state, but then he looked down at his coffee and then gave Kurt a small smile.

"I'm good, yeah, Bex helped me find a place, I'm sure Elly told you about it," Blaine said and Kurt nodded, "and I've been trying to decorate it, which isn't going as well as I'd hoped."

Blaine laughed a little nervously and Kurt smirked.

"Well you were always hopeless when it came to matching anything."

"Hey I'm not that bad." Blaine said with a roll of his eyes and Kurt smiled.

"Your outfit is no better argument." He said and Blaine looked down at what he was wearing before raising an eyebrow at Kurt.

"Hey, I love these mustard jeans ok?"

"Ok."

Kurt found himself at ease after their silly banter about clothes, and he found he was smiling more around Blaine than he had in years. They were chatting about nothing, but yet it felt like everything to Kurt. He and Blaine hadn't even had a real conversation without fighting in about 4 years.

It was safe and it was comfortable.

And he realized that time with Blaine didn't have to bring up bad memories, Blaine seemed to be in a good place, and seeing it made Kurt feel better. He always wanted Blaine to be happy. 

"Blaine?"

Kurt's smile faltered a little as Blaine turned with a smile, and greeted whoever was calling him. Kurt watched this guy make his way over from the doorway, smiling brightly at Blaine. he watched with wide eyes as he bent and kissed Blaine's cheek before sitting down in the seat next to him. 

Blaine turned back to Kurt with a small smile.

"Kurt, this is Brad," Blaine introduced and the dark haired stranger threw Kurt a smile, that looked to smug for Kurt's taste, and extended a hand, "Brad this is Kurt."

"Nice to meet you, I've heard a lot about you." He said and Kurt swallowed down the bile as his stomach churned while he shook this guys hand.

"And who are you?" Kurt asked a little confused, and looked between Brad's shocked expression and Blaine's timid one.

"I thought Elly told you," Blaine said and Kurt shook his head, "Brad's my boyfriend."

If ever the world crumbled to pieces and everything tumbled in and broke apart. Kurt could be the one that would say he experienced it well before everyone else did.

His world, along with his heart just crumbled into a deep abyss, where he didn't know if he would ever retrieve it.


	9. Chapter 9

Kurt had been speaking to Doctor Hart for a few weeks, they had passed the issue of his parents for now, and they were talking about his need for control when things weren't going the way he planned. And why he gets to that point.

"Tell me what you do when OCD urges strike you?"

"Erm...I clean mostly, door handles, the bathroom, the kitchen, the couch cushions, I count things-"

"Why?" She interrupted him, and he raised an eyebrow as he looked at her.

"Pardon?"

"Why do you clean those areas specifically?" She aksed again with a hint of determination on her face, and Kurt shrugged his shoulders.

"That's the places most germs hide."

"Do they?" 

"What do you mean?" He asked, thoroughly confused now, and she smiled gently before explaining.

"Well if you clean regularly anyway, and the whole place is clean, then the germ build up in a bathroom or kitchen is about the same as the other places in your home."

"It doesn't feel like that." Kurt admitted, and she nodded.

"So what do you think will happen if you don't clean these places, when OCD strikes?"

"That somebody will get sick, or something bad will happen."

She had a thoughtful look on her face as she sat in her chair, and folded her hands in her lap. She was watching Kurt with an unreadable expression and then leaned forward to speak to him.

"You know OCD tells us lies, it tells us that if we don't do something, then something bad will happen, but the truth is we can't control the bad things in the world, and we can't know that anything bad will happen."

"Right." He agreed.

"This is what OCD does, it makes you feel like you have to do it, to prevent something else."

"Yes."

"But, you know as well as I do, that our thoughts, or the fact that we count a certain number of times a day, can't control the environment or the world around us." She added with a hint of a smile, and that made Kurt smile too.

"Yes, I know that."

"Your rational thought flies out of your mind with stress, and it leads to OCD and anxiety."

"So how do I stop it?" he asked, at a loss of how to help with it and she gave him a sympathetic look.

"You can't actually stop it, but you can police it better, don't let it control you. If you need to cry, then cry, if you need to scream then let it out, the problem is if you keep everything in, it stresses you out more."

He thought about what she said, and then she handed him a few leaflets of paper, that had procedures he could follow when his OCD struck him. He shot her a small smile as he pocketed the papers.

"And I implore you to talk things out with your ex husband, it will help." She said as she stood to lead him to the door, and he raised both eyebrows at her.

"Tell him everything?" He asked a little worriedly bit she shook her head with a smile.

"Tell him as much as you like, but don't keep feelings bottled up."

"Ok."

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Kurt had been avoiding the topic of Blaine's boyfriend for weeks now. His therapist thought it was a good idea for him to tell Blaine exactly how much it hurts to see him with somebody else, but he tried to picture Blaine's reaction. He could imagine just what kind of face Blaine would make, and he would probably tell Kurt that it wasn't any of his business anymore.

Still, she kept telling him to open up more, and let the important people in his life make more of an appearance again.

He was trying too grab some courage from somewhere, Mercedes was always his back up but even she felt like he probably needed to do this alone.

As it was, today was a special day. Elly had been scouted while she was singing, by a group for a theater production company, and she had been picked out for one of the performers at an upcoming event. Kurt and Blaine were so proud of her, when she had ran home from school and told Kurt all about it, before calling her father.

She was so excited to be chosen for something so special. Kurt had to keep reminding her to be calm. 

The event was coming up soon, and she wanted Kurt's advice about what to wear. She told him that since he was the fashion guru in the family that she would leave it up to him but Kurt was a little worried. Ever since his depression hit, he hadn't been able to design anything.

But if his daughter had faith in him, he could try.

He spent a whole night on a design for a lovely dress for her to wear at her performance. He just had to make sure it was ready in time. 

He had placed his pens and the sketch pad down with a satisfied grin and tiptoed into his daughter's room, to watch her sleeping for a minute or two. Sighing to himself, he walked through to the kitchen to make himself another cup of coffee.

As he waited for it to brew, he saw a half empty whiskey bottle sitting out by the refrigerator. He gulped once before picking it up. He turned it around in his hand before unscrewing the lid. He sniffed at the contents a little, he remembered when the alcohol had helped numb everything.

His therapist had given him lessons in self destruction and one of them was to do with alcohol. Especially hard liquor.

He frowned and swirled the contents in the bottle around for a few seconds, thinking. With a shrug he emptied the contents of it down the sink, and ran the tap for a while to wash it all away. Before screwing the lid back in place and putting the now empty bottle in the trash can.

He smiled as he made his coffee. Finally feeling a little at piece and a little more like Kurt.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

"Oh daddy! It looks wonderful!" She exclaimed loudly the next Saturday morning, when Kurt presented her black velvet and silver glittery dress, and he grinned down at her as she twirled around with it in her hands.

"You like it baby?" He asked as he watched her hands trail over the black velvet bodice and the glittery skirt.

"I love it, daddy, thank you."

"Anything for you, sweetheart." He said as he pulled her into his arms, and placed a kiss against her hair.

"Can I go try it on?" She asked excitedly and Kurt chuckled.

"Of course, but be careful, you have to wear it later."

"Ok!"

Kurt watched her go, almost laughing as she stumbled in her haste and excitement to her room. He shook his head as he heard her delighted squeal after about 5 minutes, obviously looking at herself in her mirror.

He found himself feeling proud of that, and the grin didn't leave his face all day. 

Soon it was time to go to the event building for her to get ready for her performance, with all the other teenage singers there, and Kurt drove her there, she looked wonderful with her hair up, some curls hanging down around the sides, and her sparkling necklace and shoes matched the dress very well.

He could see she was as nervous as she was excited, so he reached over to squeeze her hand gently while they were still sitting in the car outside the venue.

"You can do this, I know you can. Be my big brave girl, and go in there and wow everybody." he said to her, and she gave him a teary smile.

"Ok."

As they walked in, she was ushered off to the side door quickly, Kurt giving her a proud smile and a thumbs up before she disappeared. And then he was alone while he waited to see her perform.

He was wandering around, being inconspicuous, and trying to blend in well, when there was a light tap on his shoulder.

"Hey, boo."

"Mercedes, you made it." He sighed as he wrapped his arms around her waist, mindful of the rhinestone covered front of her red dress, before giving her a light kiss on the cheek, and she grinned at him.

"Honey, I wouldn't miss that little angel singing for the world."

"She's so nervous, but I know she's excited for this." He told her and one of her hands clung onto his, comforting him as best she could.

"She'll be fine, Kurt, she's your daughter after all."

He huffed out a laugh, as she nudged his shoulder. He hoped it would all work out, Elly deserved it.

As he and Mercedes grabbed their first drinks, and were chatting idly about the event they had found themselves a part of, Kurt noticed Blaine walk through the door towards the back. He put on a smile of greeting as he nearly waved him over, but quickly lost it, when he saw Brad walk in behind him.

Mercedes noticed his quick change in mood and looked behind her. She winced slightly as she looked back at Kurt, running a hand across his shoulder. He tried to smile and shrug at her, but it came out as more a grimace of annoyance.

He sighed. Just when things were looking better.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for extreme distress and cutting

How many times had Kurt glanced at Mercedes and rolled his eyes or frowned? Countless tonight he wagers. She gave him a sympathetic look every time. They were both stood with Blaine and Brad, discussing tonight's event and Elly's performance, which they had yet to see.

She was one of the best ones they had, so they had put her 3rd from last performance of the night. Kurt and Blaine were so proud.

Kurt was waiting semi patiently for his daughter to walk on stage, and he hoped she had the courage to pull her nervousness together. He was sure she would.

"I actually can't believe our little girl is going to sing." Blaine said from his side, and Kurt hummed in agreement, "and her dress looks beautiful."

Kurt raised an eyebrow, as he looked at Blaine, who grinned at him and pointed to the stage curtain. He looked back that way, and there she was. She looked so beautiful up there. Kurt felt his chest warm with pride for her.

As she took centre stage, she introduced herself a little before the music started, giving her parents a grin before singing. And everyone was awestruck at her haunting and beautiful voice.

She was a little shaky at first, but soon picked up as her bravery and showmanship took over. She was fantastic.

"Wow, your little girl is good," came a whisper on the other side of Blaine and Kurt rolled his eyes at Brad's voice, before focusing on the stage, "guess she takes after you."

Kurt frowned and narrowed his eyes as Blaine huffed out a laugh to his boyfriend.

Mercedes placed her hand through Kurt's arm, letting him know she was there. And he was grateful.

"At least you know you passed on great genes." came Brad's voice again, and Kurt almost turned to tell him to shut up while his daughter was singing, but Mercedes was right there with him, and he could see from the corner of his eye that she was unimpressed too.

Blaine didn't answer, he was just watching Elly singing.

After her set was done, and the audience abruptly burst into applause. Kurt whooped loudly for his little girl as she stepped off the stage and ran to him. A big smile stuck on her face as he engulfed her in his arms.

"Oh baby, you were so amazing!" He told her, as she giggled into his suit jacket, "I'm so proud of you."

She grinned up at him, before throwing her arms around her father.

"That makes two of us," Blaine said as he placed a kiss in her hair, "so good baby, incredible."

Mercedes moved up then and took her from Blaine's arms, giving her a big squeeze.

"Girl, you almost made me cry, not a feat too many people can do."

"Thank you." She said shyly as she hugged Mercedes back.

After that, everyone enjoyed what was left of the event, they all cheered for the last two teens singing for the end, and Elly had a smile on her face as people came up to her to tell her how much they enjoyed her performance. By the end of the night, she looked exhausted and Kurt decided it was time to go home.

"So, I guess we should be making our way home, huh?" He said to her, and she turned to him with a questioning look.

"Oh, erm...daddy asked me if I would go and stay with him tonight," she said quietly, avoiding eye contact with Kurt, "he wants to celebrate with me."

"Oh, ok, well that's fine," Kurt said slowly, disappointed now that his daughter wouldn't be coming home with him, not like he could force her too, "I guess we had better go find him then."

"It's ok, he's waiting for me by the door, he said I should let you know."

"Ok, well," Kurt brought her into his arms again one last time, squeezing her into his chest, as tears threatened behind his eyelids, "have fun with daddy then, don't eat too many sweets, I know that's probably what he has."

"Actually Brad is taking us out for a late dinner, and then we'll be going to daddy's." She said a little shyly, with a small smile.

"Brad?"

"I hope that's ok," came Blaine's voice from behind him, and Kurt turned swiftly, "I told him he didn't have to, but he insisted he make an effort to get to know her."

"Oh."

"Is it ok daddy? Can I go?" Elly asked, and Kurt looked between both sets of big brown eyes before sighing internally with defeat.

"Yeah, of course sweetie," Kurt said, trying not to let show how much it bothered him, "have a good time."

"Ok, love you daddy." She said with a squeal and threw her arms around his waist once more before bounding over to Brad who was waiting.

"I hope you're ok with this Kurt," Blaine said and Kurt nodded quickly, trying to give him a small smile, even as Mercedes looked at him with furrowed brows, "I'll make sure to look after the dress, and bring them both bck in one piece tomorrow."

"Sure, ok."

"Great, thanks," Blaine said with a happy grin now, "she really does look so beautiful, you've out done yourself with that outfit."

"Thanks."

As Blaine waved goodbye to him and Mercedes, Kurt let out a shuddering breath. She grabbed his arm tightly and then whispered to him.

"Don't let them see it bothers you, boo, wave goodbye with a smile."

He forced a happy grin on his face and waved across the room to his daughter, who waved back, before they all disappeared from sight. And then Mercedes was hugging him, pulling his head down to her shoulder.

"It's ok, Kurt I've got you baby."

He felt the anguished sobs threaten to rip his throat out, as he tried and failed to hold back the tears, that were slipping down his cheeks and onto Mercedes' dress.

"Come on," she whispered to him, and started moving them to the door, "let's get out of here honey."

He wobbled slightly as he clung to her, and walked with her to the exit. 

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

He couldn't work out when he got here.

Nor why.

He was crying, that much he knew. Sitting on the cold tiled floor of his bathroom, with Mercedes pounding away at the door, she didn't know the trick to the lock, to force herself inside.

he could hear the desperate pleading tone of her voice, she was scared. she was worried about him, but he had to do this.

The razor was cold, and it bit into the skin of his wrist with a sting. he hissed as he finished and dropped it, watching the line of red form, before it spilled over and blood ran from the cut and painted the white tile beneath him.

He cried.

He screamed and sobbed, with Mercedes still pounding away at the door.

He kicked out at everything in the bathroom, kicking the bin over, kicking and breaking the cupboard doors underneath the sink. he forced himself up, and as his anger took over, he ripped the shower curtain off of it's rail, the rail dismounting the wall too, and threw them to the ground, then he started throwing the bottle and products on the sink and shower caddy around the room.

Screaming in frustration at his stupidity, thinking there was even the slightest hint of sunshine in the bleary world of his mind. It made him angry, so angry.

He collapsed again onto the floor, screeching against the tile, scratching at it with his fingers, and then scratching at his own suit, trying to rid himself of the anger and hurt that had bubbled over now.

He slipped a little in the blood on the floor, and looked down at it. Then he stared at his wrist for a few seconds, until he whimpered. Oh god, what had he done?

"M-Mercedes," he called gently, "Mercedes h-help me...pl-please."

"Kurt, honey, let me in." Her frantic voice was shaking, and Kurt looked up at the locked door.

"Pleeeeease!" He whimpered again, as another sob left his mouth, and he covered his face with one hand.

"Hold on, baby, hold on!" she called from the other side of the door, and then her hurried footsteps ran in the opposite direction.

He sat for a few minutes, crying and whimpering, covering his head with his hands, willing the hurt and pain to stop. 

He couldn't make it stop.

He watched the blood on the floor around him, smeared a little from his outburst, and eyed his bleeding wrist. not even that could cover up the pain in his chest.

All of a sudden it felt like he couldn't breathe. He gasped, trying to get air into his lungs. It felt like his chest got tighter, like someone had attached a vice to him.

he coughed and sputtered, and he heard footsteps running back to the door, then he heard the familiar scratching of the screwdriver in the safety lock.

Then...he was there. Standing next to Mercedes and staring down at him with horror.


	11. Chapter 11

He had regressed, the therapist had been understanding about it. So their talks now were about the problem at hand. Blaine, his relationship. The stress he was putting himself under. The blame he had placed on his own shoulders over the divorce.

He didn't exactly agree with her, but one look in her eyes had him believing anything she told him. She had been kind, and supportive. Mercedes had taken it upon herself to come with him, sit in on his sessions with him. His therapist didn't mind the extra person in the room. 

She said he needed the friendship and the guidance.

After another emotional session, Mercedes took him back to her place. She said she had hidden knives, razors and alcohol, so he wouldn't be tempted again.

He smiled at her.

After his regression, when Mercedes had ran for her phone and called Blaine to come and help her in a panic, they had made an emergency appointment with his therapist and taken him to the hospital. 

He couldn't breathe because he had a panic attack. The cut on his wrist wasn't an attempt at suicide, but it was deep enough to need stitches. 

He didn't like the stares. The sadness in Mercedes and Blaine's eyes as they watched him.

He knew he was broken, they didn't need to keep reminding him.

After he was released, Blaine and Mercedes had discussed he shouldn't be left alone, and Blaine would take care of Elly, while Kurt stayed with Mercedes for now. Until he felt better.

His therapist agreed with Mercedes, that staying with someone else would be better for him now.

He sat at Mercedes kitchen table while she made them breakfast, she had a specialty of making waffles, and Kurt smiled as he watched her. She turned to him with a grin as she moved around the kitchen, grabbing fruit and juice from the refrigerator and then placed a plat of waffles in front of him, with some strawberries and a cup of orange juice, before sitting opposite him.

"How do you feel today boo?" she asked him and he shrugged with a small smile.

"Not bad."

"Good." She said as she plated up her own breakfast, topping it with fruit.

"I'm sorry 'cedes, I really am." he said with a small frown, eyeing his bandaged wrist and then looking down at the table.

She reached for his hand and held it gently, running a thumb over his knuckles, which were red and sore, apparently from punching his bathroom mirror, which he had no clue about.

"Kurt, baby, it's ok." She said soothingly, and he nodded a little.

"I just, I'm not sure how to get past everything." He said quietly, picking up a strawberry and chewing slowly, and she shrugged.

"There isn't a time table for this sort of thing Kurt, but trust me, honey, we'll get you there."

He threw her a small grin again, and she released his hand. They ate the rest of their breakfast in silence, before the doorbell rang. She got up to answer it, and Kurt sighed. Guess there's no rest for the wicked.

"Hey baby, come in." He heard her say as she opened the door.

"Is he ok?" Came Blaine's voice, and Kurt rolled his eyes with a small smile.

"He's better." She answered before footsteps sounded and Kurt sat up a little straighter.

Blaine appeared in the kitchen first, followed by Mercedes, and Kurt waved a little in greeting.

"Hey Kurt, how are you feeling?" Blaine asked as he sat down at the table, and Kurt shrugged.

"erm...not great but not horrible either."

"That's good." Blaine said as he reached out a hand and took Kurt's lightly.

"Baby, I'm going to go take a shower," Mercedes told Kurt from the door, and he nodded before she pointedly stared at him, "you should talk."

He sighed a little as she disappeared and looked back at Blaine, who was staring a little at the bandage around his wrist. Kurt moved his hand from Blaine's and hid it from view, forcing Blaine to shake off whatever he was thinking about and look back up at him.

"How's the therapy going?"

"It's ok, how's Elly?"

"She's doing ok, I guess, it was hard for her when I explained how ill you were."

"Sorry." He frowned and looked down at the table, until Blaine's hands stretched across the table quickly in a kind gesture.

"No, no, your therapist said you should stop apologizing for things you can't help," Blaine said giving Kurt a sad look, "it's in the past now, all we can do is move forward."

Kurt nodded.

"Please tell me, was it the fact that Elly stayed with me and Brad that set you off? Honestly?"

"Honestly, that was part of it I guess." Kurt explained slowly, shrugging a little in defeat of the fact that he needed to talk this out with his ex husband, "But, the other part is, I haven't really felt any better since we got divorced, and I know it was for the best, but I can't help but feel it was my fault, even though everyone tells me it's not. I don't believe it."

"Kurt-" He started but Kurt cut him off.

"And I just-It's hard for me...seeing you with someone else, seeing Elly getting along with someone else," he said as the tears slipped out of his eyes again, he quickly wiped them away, "and my therapist is great but no-one else really understands."

"I'm sure she's seen a lot of people in your shoes." Blaine said quietly and Kurt sighed a little.

"Yes, but come on, she's a girl in her twenties, there's a lot the world hasn't shown her yet, a lot she hasn't experienced. She's nice, and it's nice to talk to her, don't get me wrong, but she can't really empathize."

"So talk to me, I'm here. And I know you really well."

"Yeah." Kurt breathed out a little and then looked into Blaine's eyes, seeing the honesty and interest in them, "She's been wanting me to talk my feelings out with you for a while."

"And why haven't you?"

"I'm afraid I guess." Kurt admitted and Blaine's eyebrows furrowed.

"Afraid of what?"

"Rejection, sympathy...of my heart breaking even more."

"Oh Kurt."

"I miss you," Kurt added quickly, "and I know it's been a few months, and you have someone else, but I can't help it, I miss you, I love you."

Blaine stared at him with an unreadable expression and Kurt carried on.

"I'm not saying it for any kind of reason, it's just how I feel."

"Ok." Blaine said and Kurt stared at him for a second before his eyes fell again to the table, "if it will help, I'll keep Brad out of sight of you and Elly, ok?"

"I guess it would help." Kurt said slowly.

"Ok, I'm sorry it put so much stress on you, I didn't mean for it to."

"I know." He gave Blaine a small smile, which he returned. Kurt felt a little better knowing now that Blaine knew just how hard it was for him.

"Hey, why don't you come over tonight, spend some time with me and Elly?"

"I don't know." he hesitated and Blaine caught one of his hands again, giving him a friendly look.

"Just us, I promise," He said and Kurt raised his eyebrows at the pleading look on Blaine's face, he could never say no to those eyes, "please, she wants to see you."

"Ok."


	12. Chapter 12

He too a deep breath as he knocked. And waited. 

Blaine opened the door with a smile and stepped aside to let him in. He had never been in here, so it was a shock to see the décor Blaine had chosen. A lot like Kurt's apartment, but a little brighter with the colour scheme. 

"I know what you're thinking," Blaine said with a laugh as he watched Kurt look around, "you picked out a perfect set for the apartment, I had to copy it."

"It looks great." Kurt told him and Blaine grinned shyly.

"Daddy!"

he was barreled into by a bundle of hair, and he wrapped his arms around her as she squeezed him, trying not to cry, he did miss her.

"Hey sweetie." He said gently as she released him, and gave him a big smile. 

She looked down at his bandaged hand and her eyes went a little misty, but he grabbed her again and hugged her to him, whispering it was ok.

"Hey Kurt." came another voice he hadn't heard for a while, and he looked up surprised.

"Oh, hey Bex." He gave her a grin and she stepped forward to wrap her arms around his shoulders, breathing a sigh out against his neck.

"I'm glad you're ok." she said quietly and he smiled as he hugged her back.

"Thanks, me too."

She pulled back, and blinked a couple of times, trying to keep herself in check.

"Anytime you want to talk, I'm here ok, I love you too you know?"

"Thank you Rebecca." 

"Oh man, don't call me Rebecca." She groaned with a small laugh and Kurt rolled his eyes.

"Sorry, Bex."

"That's better, right I have to love and leave you guys, have a hot date," she said with a wink and turned to Blaine, "Blaine text me later babe."

"You got it. Good luck." he said as she kissed his cheek, and then raised an eyebrow.

"Honey, this," she gestured to her figure, and Kurt rolled his eyes, "doesn't need luck."

With a wave and a wink, she left. Kurt laughed as Blaine let out a little sigh.

"She's a character." Kurt said and Blaine laughed a little.

"Yeah, she never changes," he said as he guided Kurt inside a bit more, pushing a hand gently in the small of his back, "so, come in, sit down, take a load off."

"So eloquently put." he told Blaine with a smile, and Blaine huffed a laugh.

"I'll go make us some coffee."

As Blaine walked off, Elly took Kurt's hand and dragged him into the living room, making him sit with her on the couch.

"Daddy, come here, I want to show you my project for theater class at school."

"Theater?" he asked with a raised eyebrow and she nodded excitedly.

"Uh huh, I joined last week," she said with a smile, as she brought out a folder of papers, "thought I might get some more experience in performing for people."

"Oh honey, that's great."

"So this project is to do with family, and I wanted you to see it."

"What about family?" he asked and she grinned.

"Just about family life really, and I wanted to put you in the project."

"What will be doing?"

"Singing for me."

He sat in shock for a minute, wondering if he heard right and she was grinning like an idiot at him.

"What?"

"Well, I need to record you singing."

"Oh, erm..."

"It'll be fun daddy, please say you'll do it, I already had dad record a song for me...please."

"Ok, sure, what song?" he said after thinking about it, and she shrugged.

"Anything you want?"

"Now?"

"No, you have a week to think about it."

"Ok."

"Yeah she ambushed me with it, the other day," Blaine said as he reappeared with a grin, and two coffee cups, "needless to say, my voice was a little rusty."

"Oh daddy, your voice was fine." Elly rolled her eyes and giggled.

"I agree, there's no way you could be rusty Blaine, your voice has always been incredible." Kurt said as he looked up at Blaine, watching as a blush stained his ex's cheeks, and he sat down with a small smile.

"Thanks." he responded quietly.

They grinned at each other, before Kurt coughed and looked away.

Elly asked to put a movie on and then Blaine got up to make them all some popcorn and other snacks, for watching it.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

"So what song do you think you'll sing for her school project?" Blaine asked him after getting Elly tucked back into bed, it was past midnight and she had fallen to sleep on Kurt halfway through their second movie.

"Oh I don't know, I haven't sung anything for a while." Kurt looked down at his hands with a shrug.

"Your voice is like an angel, if I'm not rusty, there's no way on this earth that you are."

"Thanks." he said as Blaine handed him a cup of hot chocolate, and sat beside him.

"Just stating fact."

The television was off now, and the silence was comfortable, and Kurt found himself feeling the happiest he had felt in a long while. He smiled at Blaine, who smiled back, and then he sighed as he spied the project book of Elly's on the table.

"We must have done something right, if we raised such a wonderful girl." Kurt said and Blaine hummed in agreement.

"Yeah, she's fantastic."

"I saw the look in her eyes, over this," Kurt added as he pointed to his wrist, and Blaine frowned a little, "I hate causing her pain."

"Well, it's something we all have to move past now."

"Yeah, but still."

"I know."

Kurt swallowed down a painful lump and picked up some courage to ask his next question.

"How- How are things with Brad?" He asked a little shakily and Blaine took his hand.

"You don't have to ask Kurt, I know it's hard." He said giving Kurt a soft look, but Kurt only smiled at him.

"It is, but I want to know, call me masochistic." He added with a little laugh and Blaine grinned.

"Well, they're ok I guess, haven't really seen much of him this week, I've been focused on Elly."

"Oh, sorry about that too."

"Stop apologizing." Blaine huffed and Kurt shrugged one shoulder.

"I feel like I have too."

"Why?" Blaine asked a little confused and Kurt breathed in a deep breath and let it out slowly, Blaine could see he was struggling so he waited patiently.

"Because all of this, wouldn't have happened if I had been a stronger person."

"Don't be patronizing of yourself." Blaine told him sternly and Kurt looked up into the soulful eyes of the man he loved. "You are a strong person, brave, thoughtful, kind."

"I'm really not." Kurt said with a sigh, but Blaine brought one hand under his chin and made him look up at him.

"Yes, you are."

"You really believe that?"

"I've always believed that, I never stopped."

"Well, I don't feel much like a strong person at the moment." He said with a shrug and Blaine sighed.

"You will feel like that again when you pick yourself up, it takes time."

"Mm."

They sat in silence for a minute or two before Blaine shifted, bringing himself closer to Kurt's side, hearing Kurt take a sharp inhale, and then stopped just shy of touching him. he looked at him carefully, choosing his words appropriately and resting a hand on Kurt's shoulder lightly.

"You know, I've never known such a strong person in my entire life," he said, and as Kurt looked back at him with a disbelieving expression he carried on, "but even the strongest people have breaking points."

Kurt's eyes watered but he didn't look away as Blaine continued, squeezing his shoulder.

"Those breaking points are far and few between, but the stronger you are, the harder it hits you." He finished and Kurt thought about it before he smirked at him.

"Get that from a therapy website on how to deal with depressed people?"

"No," Blaine said with a chuckle at Kurt's cynicism, "it's what I truly believe."

"Oh."

"And I also believe that in time, you'll be fine."

The flood gates were open again, and Kurt felt his eyes sting, tears slowly dripping down his face, which Blaine carefully wiped away with a gentle hand.

"I want to believe that." Kurt said quietly and Blaine grinned at him.

"Well hey, this is a good start right?"

"Right." Kurt agreed as he smiled back.

"Can I hug you?" Blaine asked as he opened his arms, and Kurt chuckled lightly.

"Of course you can."

No sooner had he said the words, he found himself encased in everything Blaine. His smell, his touch, it was everything Kurt had missed, and he buried his face in Blaine's shoulder, taking in a shuddery breath.

"I believe in you Kurt, I always have." came a whisper into the fabric of his own shirt and Kurt grinned.

"Thank you bee."

"You're welcome honey."


	13. Chapter 13

Kurt felt infinitely better over the next few weeks. His therapist had signed him off, when he was having more good therapy sessions than bad ones. But with a promise from him to call her if he ever needed her again. 

He felt good. 

He had been spending more time with Blaine and Elly, and Mercedes, even so far as all going out for dinner for Elly's 16th birthday. Things were looking so much brighter now. And he was even back at work, in full swing of design mode.

He felt a little more like himself, and the anger and sadness had all but gone. Yes there were still lingering pangs of hurt, but they weren't so much as a bother anymore. He was smiling more, laughing more, and generally being the Kurt he knew was still trapped inside all that time.

He was becoming whole again, and happy.

Blaine had been a big help with that. He spent time with him, just like they did back in high school, before they got together. He hadn't realized how much he missed Blaine as his best friend, although he wouldn't call him that in front of Mercedes.

But Blaine had always been one of the people, Kurt knew from the moment he saw him, he needed in his life. Friend, lover whatever. Just Blaine.

he smiled to himself as they stood in line in the coffee shop. Blaine had surprised him at work, asking him for lunch, and Kurt had barely gotten out a yes before they were headed for their favourite coffee shop.

Blaine excused himself to go to the toilet, and Kurt nodded absently as he thought of all those times years ago, remembering how they would smile and nudge each other, save each other's spaces in line. Kurt knew he was still in love with Blaine, but Blaine was in fact still with Brad. 

Even though it still hurt, Blaine wouldn't bring him up in conversation unless Kurt asked about him specifically. He was entirely grateful for Blaine's tact. His gentle nature was also something Kurt had forgotten about after those years of fighting. 

His husband had always been attentive, giving, and incredibly tactful. 

He loved him for that.

As he stood waiting in line, he looked over the menu they had up, pumpkin spiced lattes were already out for the upcoming holiday season and Kurt decided he would surprise Blaine with one. Making his way to number 3 in line, he grinned, things were looking up.

"Well, well, well," a sardonic voice interrupted his happy thoughts, and he frowned, "if it isn't the depressed little attention seeker."

He spun around to eye Brad a little viciously.

"What?"

"You heard me," Brad said as he narrowed his eyes, and Kurt looked around them, feeling a little trapped, "how is life on the other side, oh wait, you wouldn't know because you didn't actually kill yourself."

Kurt looked around as other people around heard Brad, and were staring at him. Suddenly he felt very small.

"What are you doing?" He hissed at the man, who just smirked at him.

"What? I can't grab attention? Is it all just for you?"

"I do-"

"You know, when Blaine told me what had happened, I was sympathetic, really I was," he said as he walked a step closer, closing in on Kurt's personal space, and Kurt's eyes widened, "but doing all of that, just to get your husband back? How desperate and pathetic are you?"

"You think it was all some game?" Kurt asked, feeling a little sick, "I never wanted any of this to happen."

"So why don't you do everyone a favour," Brad said as he crept even closer, and Kurt felt so uncomfortable that his eyes shot to the floor, "and kill yourself properly."

"Brad!" Came an angry voice from beside them, and they both looked over to see Blaine standing there, face red and eyes burning with rage, "what did you just say to him?"

Kurt couldn't take the stares, the whispers around him. He fled.

"Kurt!" He heard Blaine call out to him as he ran, but he didn't stop, as Brad's cruel words reverberated inside his head.

Was he really that pathetic? Damaged? 

He couldn't breath, he felt the air around him become to thick to breathe, so he stopped down the street a ways from the stop and leaned against the building he was in front of, trying desperately to gasp in much needed air.

No, not another panic attack.

"Kurt!" Blaine's voice broke through his little bleary bubble, "Kurt, it's ok Kurt I'm here, it's ok."

He felt Blaine's arms hold him, and his voice whispering reassurances into his shoulder, trying to soothe away the attack.

"Listen to me, breath with me, come on, I know you can do it."

"Blaine." He whimpered and grasped onto Blaine's jacket, trying to ground himself, not to float away again.

The tears came hot and fast as he recalled what just happened, and Blaine held him as he cried.

"Don't you dare believe anything that vile man said to you, don't you dare Kurt." Blaine said sternly but softly as he stroked his back, as Kurt's body shook with sobs.

"I'm sorry, Blaine, I'm sorry."

"No, Kurt, I'm sorry."

After that, Kurt had a vague memory of what happened, but the next thing he knew they were walking into Blaine's apartment, and then Kurt collapsed onto the couch and fell asleep.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

He came back into consciousness at the sound of an angry voice. Blaine's angry voice.

Kurt shook his head, trying to clear the bleariness away and he looked over the back of the couch, to where Blaine was pacing his small kitchen, arguing with somebody on his phone.

"-can't believe you would be such an evil little prick," he said in ire, his eyes blazing and his shoulders tense, "there is no excuse for what you said, you don't get to defend yourself."

Kurt furrowed his brow as he listened.

"Yeah well, you know what, we're done," He shouted angrily, "and if I even see you near me or any of my family again, you won't be so lucky next time."

He hung up and threw his phone onto the kitchen counter, where it bounced a few times. He sighed against one hand, dragging it down his face, before he glanced at his audience.

His eyes widened in surprise at seeing Kurt watching him and he walked over to the couch.

"Hey, how are you feeling?" He asked softly as he placed a hand against Kurt's forehead, and Kurt threw him a small smile.

"Better," He said and then narrowed his eyes, "who was that?"

"Brad, the fucker tried to defend what he said to you," Blaine said with a hint of anger still in his voice, and Kurt frowned, "you don't have to worry about him anymore, I took care of it."

"I wasn't worried about him." Kurt interrupted the ranting quietly, and Blaine turned his eyes to him.

"What?"

"I wasn't worried about him Blaine, I was more worried about you." Kurt told him and Blaine's anger seemed to seep right out of him, his shoulders relaxed a little and he sunk into the couch cushions with Kurt.

"You don't have to worry about me."

"You sounded really upset."

"I was upset, for you, Kurt, you didn't deserve what that bastard said to you."

"Well-"

"Stop!" Blaine interrupted and shot up from the couch, to pace around it, pointing at Kurt, and making wild gestures with his hands. 

"Don't, please don't think about what he said, he was wrong."

Kurt sat confused for a moment, and tried again.

"Blaine I-"

"No, stop it Kurt, stop putting yourself down, me, Mercedes and Elly, we love you ok? You deserve better, and I was just so fucking pissed that-"

"Blaine!" He almost shouted and Blaine stopped to glance at him with socked eyes.

"what?"

"I was going to say, I agree with you...no I didn't deserve what he said, and he was wrong. And I know you-all of you love me, I know that."

"Oh." Blaine said a little sheepishly, and Kurt nodded.

"Yeah."

"Well good, at least we are in agreement." Blaine said with a hint of playfulness trying to lighten the mood, and Kurt rolled his eyes.

"Will you just shut up and come sit with me?"

"Ok."


	14. Chapter 14

"Where did you say it was?" Kurt called out as he had his head and shoulders stuck underneath the bed, in his room, rummaging through the storage boxes there.

"I don't really know, because you always moved everything." Blaine said from where he was inside the closet, with a step ladder routing through the top shelves.

"Don't start the blame game." Kurt said with a slight glare over one shoulder, and Blaine instantly winced.

"Sorry, all I know is it has a bright purple and green cover."

"Is it shiny or soft, big or small?"

"It's quite big, and the fabric is soft."

"Ok, it's not here then." Kurt said as he pulled himself out from underneath the bed.

Blaine had appeared one day, and brought up one of his old memory books, from when Elly was a baby. Kurt had no idea what he was talking about, but he invited him in to search for it together.

He couldn't recall the book that Blaine had said he made of their life when Elly was a baby, but he believed him and they began the search. An hour later they were still bookless.

"Are you sure you didn't take it with you?" Kurt asked as he wiped the sweat off of his forehead, helping Blaine restack boxes in their rightful places on shelves in the cupboards.

"We have an attic space right?" Blaine asked, and Kurt got sort of hung up on the present tense of that question, until he shook it off and nodded up at him.

The bedroom and kitchen had been thoroughly searched, now all that was left was the attic space, where Kurt kept boxes of odd junk and Christmas decorations, and the living room cupboards.

They had been spending an awful lot of time together, since Blaine's break up with Brad, and it was now coming up to the 5th month since their divorce was finalized. Kurt couldn't believe that time had flown by so fast.

Yet, here they were, about to search the small attic space together for an old photo album.

"You sure it's purple?" Kurt asked as he rifled through the first box, and Blaine nodded.

"Yes, I'm sure." He said with a roll of his eyes, and Kurt huffed.

"Blaine it's not he-"

His hand stopped on something big, soft and purple. He paused, and bit his lip.

"Erm...Blaine, I found it."

"Hey, there it is."

"Let's get down from here yeah?"

"Ok."

When they were down from the attic space, and the rest of their mess had been cleared away, Blaine took Kurt over to the couch and sat him down. He quickly dusted off the front cover of the book and sat down next to Kurt with an excited smile.

"You seriously don't remember this book?" He asked with a raised eyebrow and a silly grin, and Kurt felt his heart beat a little faster.

"No, should I?"

"Yeah," Blaine said with a grin as he flipped the cover back, "it literally has every important thing in here from her first year."

"what?"

"I'll show you."

Blaine scooted closer and held the book across both of their laps, opening to the first page, where a small sonogram picture sat centre on the first page, and Blaine had drawn patterns and happy faces and hearts all around. There was even a poem about the baby underneath it, and Kurt giggled as he read it aloud.

"Two tiny feet,  
that wave in the air,  
two tiny hands  
that tug at your hair.  
Cute bottom for patting,  
Adorable face,  
a bundle of joy  
to love and embrace."

"Blaine that is cheesy and so cute!" Kurt said and Blaine chuckled as turned Kurt's attention to the next page.

"This was the first day she came home." Blaine said with an emotional voice and Kurt grinned at him.

"Gosh, that was so long ago," Kurt said and then eyed himself in the small photograph on the page, "I looked so young there."

"You haven't changed at all."

"Oh please."

"No you really haven't Kurt, not at all." Blaine told him as he stared into his eyes, and Kurt could feel the blush creep up his neck as he smiled.

He batted his eyelashes in a sarcastic way.

"Like eternal beauty?"

"Something like that." Blaine said with a smile, and Kurt swallowed a little harder at the look he was receiving.

They both blinked a little and looked back down to the pages, each one had a multitude of photos, from them dancing with her, or Kurt sleeping in a chair with a bottle hanging in his hand as she slept soundly on his chest.

There was literally everyday in this book. Kurt was amazed at it. 

"So you made it all?"

"Yep."

"Did you take that photo of me?" Kurt said as he pointed to one of him smiling down while changing Elly's diaper, hair a mess and bags underneath his tired eyes.

"Of course I did, you were so beautiful, how could I not?" Blaine told him honestly but Kurt huffed.

"With bags and an up-do from hell?" He asked a little disbelieving.

"With our baby, and smiling, with your eyes sparkling with love, yeah you were beautiful." Blaine said as Kurt looked at him, his smile dropping as he stared at Blaine.

He searched his eyes for something, anything to tell him what to do right now, but his fuzzy love crazed brain wasn't registering anything, until movement caught his attention. Blaine had scooted closer. 

Confused and hopeful baby blue eyes stared into warm, gentle amber, as Blaine placed one hand slowly on Kurt's shoulder, sliding it up until it cupped his neck. He smiled gently as his thumb ran over an old scar on Kurt's neck, causing Kurt to shiver a little.

His breath hitched as Blaine moved in, and he held his breath as they were only a centimeter apart. 

He forgot how to breathe, when Blaine's warm pillow soft lips touched his, his brain short circuited as Blaine pressed a little closer, until he responded. He pushed back at the pressure, and they slid their lips together for a minute, before Kurt pulled away.

Blaine had a beautiful smile on his face, and Kurt blushed as he looked down at his hands, focusing now on anything but Blaine.

"Erm..."

"Kurt."

He looked back up at Blaine's eyes, soft and gentle, the smile welcoming, but a little sad.

"I'm sorry, about everything." he gasped as he realized how much emotion cracked Blaine's normally smooth tone of voice, and he furrowed his brows together.

"Blaine-"

"I am," Blaine interrupted, taking Kurt's hand and kissing over the back of it, "I'm so sorry, you didn't deserve any of it."

"I don't understand."

"I love you, I'm in love with you."

"But you said-"

"I know, I was wrong, I just forgot how to love you Kurt," Blaine quickly explained and Kurt saw a few glistening tears build up in his sad honey coloured eyes, "I'm sorry."

"Oh Blaine."

Kurt moved to encase Blaine in his arms, and Blaine clung to him, clawing at his shirt trying to get him closer as he sobbed into Kurt's neck. Kurt held him close as he cried it out, comforting him as best he could, running his hands up and down the planes of Blaine's back.

Blaine's breath hitched once or twice as Kurt rubbed over what used to be ticklish spots. And Kurt grinned.

"Hey, you know this isn't all your fault right?"

"But I-"

"If I'm not allowed to take the blame, then you aren't either." he told him sternly and then pulled back to smile at him.

Blaine tried to smile back but it fell short, until Kurt wiped his cheeks with both hands, and brought their lips back together softly.

"Blaine," he whispered against them, the outline of their open lips, barely grazing as they stared into each other's eyes, "baby."

Blaine seemed to sob out a sound between relief and grief as Kurt called him that, and then their lips were entwined once more as he dove back in.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Klaine sex in this chapter ;)

Elly was over the moon to know her fathers were working on getting back together. She couldn't keep the excited grin off of her face the night that Blaine stayed over, and they had both blushed as she watched them.

Blaine's mother was ecstatic, as were Mercedes and Bex.

"Daddies?" Elly asked in a sweet voice, where she sat looking between them both with a grin.

They both turned to her with raised eyebrows, and she giggled.

"So, no that you are sort of together again," she started and Kurt and Blaine exchanged a glance and a smile, "would you do a duet for my project?"

"A duet?"

"Our solo performances obviously aren't good enough." Kurt whispered to Blaine playfully and Elly rolled her eyes.

"It's not that, it's just, the project is about family, so now that my family is meshed back together, maybe we could show that in the music?" She explained and Kurt chuckled.

"Oh honey, I was teasing," Kurt said as he wrapped an arm around her shoulder and kissed her head, "if your father agrees, I would love to sing with him."

"Daddy?" Elly raised her eyebrows as she looked at Blaine, and Blaine looked between her and Kurt's face, before sighing a little over dramatically.

"Fine."

"Can we do it after breakfast? It needs to be in tomorrow." Elly bombarded them and they both laughed before agreeing.

After breakfast Elly set up her recorder, and they were discussing what song to do. it had to be something that represented them, and their family. Above all their relationship.

Blaine literally beamed with inspiration as he whispered his idea to Kurt, who nodded in agreement.

"Ok, ready honey?" Kurt asked Elly and she gave him a thumbs up.

"Loving can hurt, loving can hurt sometimes  
But it's the only thing that I know," Blaine started and then Kurt joined him on the next lines, their voices mixing so well together that Elly froze with a smile as she watched them.

"When it gets hard, you know it can get hard sometimes  
It is the only thing that makes us feel alive."

 

"We keep this love in a photograph  
We made these memories for ourselves  
Where our eyes are never closing  
Hearts are never broken  
And time's forever frozen still."

"So you can keep me  
Inside the pocket of your ripped jeans  
Holding me closer 'til our eyes meet  
You won't ever be alone, wait for me to come home."

They both were giving each other such an emotion filled look, that Elly felt like she was intruding on something.

"Loving can heal, loving can mend your soul  
And it's the only thing that I know, know  
I swear it will get easier,  
Remember that with every piece of you  
Hm, and it's the only thing we take with us when we die."

She stopped the recording as her father's were sitting and staring at each other, obviously caught up in each other, forgetting she was even there. She grinned before sneaking her way out, maybe she would go and put her project together at her friend's house instead.

She giggled as she shut the front door, and that seemed to snap Kurt and Blaine out of the trance they were both in. 

Kurt smiled shyly at him, receiving a small smile in return from Blaine, before they crashed together.

Blaine moaned into Kurt's mouth as both sets of lips fell open to deepen it. Tongues collided and hands were everywhere, pushing at clothes and tugging at hair.

"Blaine, do you think we're moving too fast." Kurt asked breathlessly as Blaine began trailing hard kisses down the expanse of his neck.

He stopped to suck at Kurt's collarbone before lifting his head.

"Kurt, we were married for 18 years, I think it's safe to say we know what we're doing."

"Right...shut up Kurt."

Blaine chuckled as he brought their lips back together, Kurt groaning into his mouth this time. Blaine pushed his shirt off, before grabbing at the hem of Kurt's lifting it up his chest, Kurt chuckled into the kiss as he lifted his arms, so that Blaine could remove it.

Kurt pulled back a little as the kisses turned frantic, it was good and he missed it, but he wanted it to slow down. It was too much like a hook up right now.

"Baby," he said as he grabbed Blaine's face in his hands, "can we slow it up, we have all the time in the world here."

"Sorry," Blaine said as his breathing slowed, and he cupped one of Kurt's hands with his own, turning his face and giving his palm a kiss, "shall we move this to the bedroom?"

"Ok."

They walked slowly, hand in hand to Kurt's, probably soon to be theirs again, bedroom, closing the door softly. They stood against each other, just feeling and hearing the other breathing for a moment, before they joined their lips again. 

This time it was slow, languid, and so so right.

Kurt whined into Blaine's mouth, wrapping his arms around his shoulders, and feeling along the soft skin over the hard muscles of his upper back, Blaine answered his whine with a moan, and their tongues slid together slowly. This was what he missed. This loving safe feeling of being with Blaine.

"Oh Blaine." He whispered as their lips slowly parted, and Blaine's mouth made a slow path from his chin down his jaw and to his neck, pressing gentle kisses and nips against the skin.

"Kurt." He moaned as his hands rested on Kurt's hips, thumbs rubbing against his hips bones.

"Can we move to the bed honey?" Kurt asked in a low voice, and Blaine nodded against his collarbone before tugging him slowly towards it.

It was all hands after that. Soft touches, gentle pets, slow kisses, love.

Once the last of Kurt's clothing had been taken from him, Blaine moved down to Kurt's flat stomach, and pressed kisses against the flesh there, whining against the pale skin. He moved slowly as Kurt gasped, down to his thighs, softly stroking and kissing over them both before moving to the place where the attention had yet to go.

Kurt's mouth opened in a silent whine as Blaine's mouth closed around his heated flesh, making his entire body feel like it was on fire. He reached one hand down to Blaine's hair, giving a tiny tug, before stroking through the soft curls.

He tugged again when Blaine was laving his tongue from base to tip, and Blaine moved back up his body again, pressing kisses and nips to his skin, before reaching his mouth and sliding his tongue through his already parted lips.

Blaine's hands lifted Kurt's thighs, to wrap them around his own hips, as he pushed his hips down against Kurt's. Both of them gasped out in pleasure as heated hard flesh came into contact, Kurt hissing through his teeth at the sensitivity.

"Blaine, I need you." Kurt whispered to him, as they moved slowly together, grinding against each other.

"I know." Blaine whispered back as he peppered kisses over Kurt's face, before reaching into the nightstand and retrieving the lube.

They both smiled at each other, as Blaine flicked the cap with his thumb, coating one hand with the slippery substance before letting the bottle fall onto the sheets. He moved his hand down slowly, pressing one finger gently against Kurt's entrance, and Kurt gripped his shoulders tightly as he gasped at the feel.

It had been so long since he had been like this with Blaine. He couldn't remember the last time he felt fingers stretching him, or the kisses dropped lovingly on his neck. But he missed it.

As Blaine slowly added finger after finger, before scissoring them inside, stretching him out as he writhed and groaned underneath him, Kurt couldn't imagine ever being apart from his love again.

"Now, Blaine...please." he pleaded and Blaine hushed him soothingly as he removed his fingers, grabbing the bottle again before coating himself.

"Ready beautiful?"

Kurt nodded, desperately clinging to Blaine. He buried his face into Blaine's neck as he pushed inside him, the slow glide making him moan, but it hurt. A lot.

"Wait..."

Blaine stopped, giving Kurt a little of a breather, kissing his cheeks and eyelids and nose repeatedly to calm and relax him. After a few seconds Blaine felt the pressure around him relax a little and he inched forward a little more.

"God, were you always this big?" Kurt whispered and Blaine chuckled as he placed a kiss on Kurt's sweaty forehead.

"I'll take that as a compliment."

Kurt huffed out a breath, and Blaine moved forward again, slowly. When he was seated all within Kurt, they breathed together as Kurt got used to the intrusion again. After years without it, he was extremely tight.

Kurt gasped after the pressure eased a little and Blaine moved his hips against him shallowly, moaning about how tight he was. Kurt bit his lip as Blaine brushed against the special place inside him, and pleasurable shivers shot up his spine.

"Shit, I don't think this is going to last." Blaine whispered around a groan, burying his face into Kurt's neck with a breathy sigh.

"I love you so much." Kurt whispered to him and Blaine responded by snapping his hips a little harsher, covering his mouth with his own when Kurt yelled out in pleasure.

He kept up that shallow but harsh rhythm, pulling both them closer to the edge. Blaine's lips suddenly felt like they were everywhere all at once. He was kissing him one moment then the next he was kissing and sucking at his neck, his jaw, dropping light ones along his cheek.

Kurt was right on the very edge of his orgasm, but as Blaine snapped his hips forward one last time and bit a little harder on his neck, he lost it and came with a yell of Blaine's name between them.

"Oh god," Blaine said as he continued his thrusts, furrowing his brows as Kurt became tighter around him, "I love you, I love you...I lov- Kurt!"

With a yell of Kurt's name, followed by a grunt, he followed Kurt over that edge. He was shaking as he tried to catch his breath. The emotions hit them both, and Kurt pulled Blaine down on top of him, both of them stroking over each other's sides and back as they felt once more at peace.

"I love you." Was whispered twice into the sweaty air around them, and they both smiled as they held each other tightly. 

Finally home and reconnected.


	16. Chapter 16

"I actually can't believe it." Kurt sighed as he flopped down on the bed, watching Blaine undo his tie with a smile.

"Who knew we could get everything together so quickly." Blaine said as he sat on the edge of the bed and removed his jacket.

"I know," Kurt responded as he sat up, crossing one leg over the other as he turned on his side to face Blaine, "but I think we pulled it off."

"It was a wedding to remember." Blaine added with a smile as he reached out to run his hand over Kurt's cheek.

"And a lovely Christmas present baby." Kurt said as he scooted forward to tug on Blaine's waist, causing him to tumble over onto the bed too, feet still dangling over the edge and his head resting on Kurt's stomach.

Kurt ran his hands threw the soft curls on Blaine's head as they both relaxed. 

It had been a day to remember. Blaine had planned everything, and Kurt thought he was being taken somewhere extremely extravagant for their 20th date, but Blaine surprised him by taking him to the terrace in the top of the Empire State building, where all their guests were waiting anxiously and then he got down on one knee and proposed.

After a quick make out session, in celebration of their engagement, Blaine had taken Kurt's hand and they married that same afternoon. 

2 days before Christmas.

They booked a honeymoon suite in the closest hotel, and everyone joined them for a little after party in their room. When it hit midnight, everyone left. Wishing them luck on their way out. Mercedes and Bex had given each of them a light slap to the face and warned them about ever breaking up again. 

Elly had been in on the whole plan, and she squeezed them both shouting how much she loved them before leaving to spend the weekend at Mercedes' place.

So currently the newly weds were lounging around on their bed, in a state of complete bliss. Surrounded by gifts and glitter, just enjoying each other's silent company.

"Think we should have anymore kids?" Kurt asked as he sat petting Blaine's hair, and watched with a grin as Blaine's eyes widened comically.

"erm I-"

"I was just kidding."

"Oh," Blaine breathed a sigh of relief, and Kurt chuckled.

"Seriously, if we had any more at our age, I think we'll be bald by the time we hit 50."

"Definitely."

Kurt gave his husband a soft look, a small smile edging his mouth, and Blaine raised an eyebrow as he continued to stare at him.

"What?" he asked curiously and Kurt sighed.

"I just love you...so much."

"I love you too." Blaine replied just as gently, and reached a hand up to behind Kurt's head to pull his face towards him.

As their lips met, they both groaned. Blaine's mouth opened under Kurt's and their tongues glided together gently. Kurt moved out from underneath Blaine, without detaching their lips, rolling over on top of him, kissing him extra deeply. Blaine sucked on his tongue a little as he lay on top of him, and Kurt giggled into the kiss as he pulled away.

"I missed being your husband." He whispered, their lips still touching lightly, and Blaine smiled widely.

"I missed it too, my husband."

They both moaned again as they kissed, tugging at each other's suits, desperate to get at the skin underneath. 

This has turned out to be the best Christmas Kurt and Blaine had ever experienced.


End file.
